Tevun-Krus #48 - StonePunk

#askmadmike, Part 2

Mad Mike's Anal Advice

You lonely, knuckle-dragging piece of shit. You sad, pea-brained fuck. You're worthless and you're insignificant. You're the lowest form of life since the sperm cell that led to Donald J. Trump. You're more impotent than Hugh Hefner's corpse. You couldn't get a girl if you tried, you pathetic specimen, you.

Hi, I'm Mad Mike of the Ooorah crew. You might remember me from such Tevun-Krus classics as "The Breath of the Bone," "The Robo-Bands Have Risen!" "Take a Hit Backward, Man," "Idol," "To Live and Die for T.K." "I AM OOORAH," and need I go on?

I'm here this month to help give you the courage and know-how to get you a knockout StonePunk beauty.

It's got nothing to do with the "game" you "spit."

In just three easy steps, you can have any StonePunk chick you want, and if you follow these steps correctly, you will no longer be considered the human equivalent of the dead jizz on the inside of Ted Cruz's shameful undergarments.

Step 1: Find your victim.

Sounds sinister, doesn't it? Well, with a Cro-Magnon like you, sinister is all you know, you fucking psycho. Go to your local cave and pick out a babe, unless you've got a thing for ugly. Ideally you'll be going for the hottest skank in the village. A woman is both a possession and a status symbol, so choose wisely.

Step 2: Club her in the head.

This should be easy, but knowing your stupid ass you'll fuck it all up. You want her to be unsuspecting, and you also don't want to get caught. So go lure her to a secluded area with a trail of entrails or other delicacies. When the coast is clear, wham-o! But not too hard, you idiot. If you hit her too hard, she'll die, and there's nothing sadder than a caveman nailing a corpse.

Step 3: Get freaky.

As you know, when a caveman gets all up in a cavegirl's business, she's his. No questions asked. So if you successfully managed steps 1–2, it's all fun and games from there, you moron.

Have fun, stay safe, and always wear a pig's rectum for protection.