Dear Justin {Part II}

{I wasn't going to make a part II but why not? Part II to Dear Juliet. Read that one first.}

Dear Justin,

Hi. It's me, Juliet.. I don't how to start off my reply to you because I don't know what to say. I don't know what to say or feel. I feel so numb. I know I should be feeling guilt, sadness, or maybe ever anger but I can't feel anything. I've read your letter ten, maybe twenty, or even fifty times. I can't believe you felt that way. I know I should I apologize but I just can't.. I know I should say sorry for rejecting you all those times, but I can't. I can't apologize because as greedy as it sounds, I'm still so hurt. I can't stop thinking of all the times we've fought. I know, I know I should stop but for some reason I just can't. Sorry won't mean anything to you or me because you won't ever be able to hear that sorry. So no matter how many times I ever say it, nothing will happen. I won't ever hear the "it's okay" that I want to hear.. I remember when we were each other's first kiss. I smiled when you wrote that. It was a cute moment right? And I remember the dance. Tyler really did like me back then, yeah? But I didn't know that you did too. And to be honest, I really liked you even when we were little. It's kind of bittersweet. I remember our fun times when we were best friends. Even though it didn't seem like it, I thought about it all the time after we broke up. To be honest, it was one of the things that kept me going in life. I wish we were in the past again. I'd do anything to be a kid again. I'd do anything to not have a care in the world with you by my side. But that would not having our beautiful daughter, Celina.. I still have our ring. I wear it all the time. Everyone tells me to stop wearing it, but screw what they think. I love wearing it. I know you left me and Celina presents at our door, but I was forced to throw them out. It wasn't healthy to take them, apparently. And being an idiot, I listened to my family.. I wish I would have opened the door for you when you knocked or called. I was still hurting at the time, so I didn't really want to. That's no excuse, I know. I wish I could have ran into your arms. And that guy you saw with me before? Yes i may have kissed him, but trust me. I never did anything else after that. I realized the man i needed in my life was you. You didn't need to worry. After we broke up, I never really dated anyone. No one was as good as you, J. There are a lot of things you didn't know Justin. You used to drink a lot when you became stressed. And at the time, you were stressed out a lot. Whenever you got drunk, you would black out and become a different person. You scared me. You were this innocent, kind, and gentle man that would turn into an angry, abusive, scary monster..This one time when you got drunk, you went on a rampage and threw things all over the house, screaming that I didn't love you. You grabbed me and threw me on the bed and tried to do things to me. Oh god, Justin, you tried to do things to me. I can still remember everything so clearly. I've never been more scared in my life. Thankfully I managed to struggle out of your grip and hide. You growled and tried to look for me and you made the whole house a mess. I remember coming out of hiding the next morning, to find you on the floor, passed out and tears down your face with your hair messed up. To this day, I don't know if they were angry or sad tears. But I didn't want to ask. You hurt me so much Justin. I ran to our room and slid against the wall, crying because I knew that I would have to live with this for the rest of my life. Knowing your stubbornness, telling you to stop drinking wouldn't work. So there was no escape. I cried and cried that morning, until you woke up, completely unaware of what has happened. You tried to hold me but I pushed you away. There were plenty of other times when you've gotten drunk, but this will always haunt me. You never knew about this and you never will. I just thought I'd be healthy to at least write it down. Just know I'm not trying to make this into a bad letter, shaming you for what you did. When we broke up, i kicked you out because i didn't want me and Celina to have to deal with this. I didn't want her to have a broken childhood. I was so stupid for thinking that. Now she's going to ask about daddy, and then there won't be any daddy to help me teach her about the birds and the bees or dating and--I'm rambling now aren't i? My randomness was one of the things you fell in love with, right? Anyways, I just wanted her to have a nice childhood. You would always try to knock and see us. You were so persistent about seeing your "two girls." I remember one day, you got drunk. For some reason, you came staggering to my apartment. I was scared because you were really strong Justin. You could have broken down the door easily if you had really wanted to. But you didn't do anything except beg to come in and sit outside the door, still drinking. You cried and slurred how much you missed me. I cried too. But I still couldn't let you in. I wanted to, but I couldn't bring myself to. So after hours of crying silently and drinking, you fell asleep outside my door. I carefully put Celina down and went to you. I wanted to hug you so bad. I wanted to hold you and cuddle you, just like before. But I still couldn't. It took a lot of effort to not kiss you all over the face, but I put a blanket on you and well, maybe gave you a few kisses on the face. The next morning, you were gone. I don't know what happened, but I hope you left happy. I had heard that you were depressed and a mess. Your parents told me. I felt so terrible. I always asked about you. There wasn't a moment in my life where I stopped loving you, Justin. I've never understood why women with abusive partners never left them. I thought it was kind of stupid that they didn't leave them. But then I knew why they couldn't leave them. No matter how many times you messed up, whether it was forgetting our anniversary, getting totally wasted, or being the stubborn lovable idiot you were, you had this charm that kept getting to me. I don't know what it was. Maybe your personality, or your eyes, or your amazing smile. I couldn't stop myself from loving you. I watch our wedding videos all the time. I stare at our pictures all the time too. I was so hurt before about everything. I was too afraid to go to you. No one will understand the emotional and physical pain that I had during our fights, small and big.. I know that in the beginning of this letter, I said I wouldn't say sorry. But now I think I should. I am truly sorry for everything Justin Drew Bieber. I know that you gave up on life so early. I know that your funeral was just two days ago. (I was there. Everyone was there for you. (: ) I know that you won't ever get the chance to read this letter. I know you'll never see how sorry I really am. I know, I'm such a bad person. I took you, my love, for granted. But somewhere deep in my heart, I know that you're up there in heaven smiling down at me and Celina. I'm only so young, I have my whole life ahead of me. With that being said, I will live on for the both of us, Justin. I promise. I love you. Thank you for everything. I will always keep you in my heart.

With love,

Juliet Marie Williams-Bieber.