rooftop

Oak

You told me once that I ought to be more confident. You asked me to believe in myself, at a time when confidence was a veneer I used to hide the insecurities inside and the only thing that I believed about myself was that I could never be enough. I was never sure what confidence was, nor what it looked like, so no matter how hard I tried the closest I came to it was an easily recognizable counterfeit. You made me believe in more.
Whether it was pride in the fact that I'd made such a close relationship with someone as unattainable as you, or confidence due to your shower of praise on me, I still don't know. All I do know is that your love made me love myself, and your confidence in me made me believe in myself.
Maybe too much.
Maybe that's what caused my downfall. It's ironic how you shaped me into something you didn't like, how our days together saw me at both ends of the spectrum. In the end my sense of self-worth was so hinged on your faith in me that it all crashed down as soon as there was no one to hold it up. Sometimes I catch myself wishing I could go back. I wonder if I was better off when I didn't like myself. But I've found my own self-worth, and for the first time it exists independently of anything you or anyone else thinks. That's how we all ought to be, I think, so in a way you were right. Thank you for that.
We are all beautiful, and we are all worthy. Our pride and our joy should not be tied to anything other than who and what we are. We are all apples, but we are also trees. We require water and sunlight and soil, and at first we have to be planted and watered and given soil from a caretaker. But after that, someone with a lamp and a watering can and some dirt can't do much good for us, no matter how much we think they do. We need the rain and the sun pouring down from above, but we also need our own roots to be planted firmly, deep within the soil and our own branches to be strong. A tree in a forest may look like just another tree, but each tree has a story, and each tree has conquered its own storm. And for that it deserves to stand tall, living independently of the forest but still contributing to it.
So stand tall. We are our own trees.
I'm sorry we changed, but I'm not sorry that I did.
Love yourself, not the mirror. And always, always provide shade.