So we had to do a narrative in English class, about our fears, and make a monster out of it. Here is mine.
My fear
There are many things i could write about, spiders, escalators, math. However i will simply choose one thing and it is this, my most greatest fear.
Rejection
It is not an uncommon fear, everyone has felt it at least once in their life, but for me it’s like a recurring nightmare that i just can't shake. I guess you could say that it's my monster, it holds on tight and fills my mind with thoughts that i sometimes can't control. It keeps me on my toes and awake throughout the night, anxiety swarms in my chest, it's my monsters weapon. It has another, but even it fears it, so it’s rarely used except if the monster is desperate. The weapon bores a hole through me, making space for the anxieties to fill me, but it can make my fear of rejection disappear by simply making me not care at all.
Imagine if you will a black line, now give it pointed thin limbs and a long thin face, white needle like teeth and shiny black holes for eyes. Give it the power to sow your mouth shut, to fill your chest with hopelessness, to pour liquid ice into your heart and let it freeze and burn. Let it bottle your emotions and at different times smash the bottles against the insides of your mind, letting the held in anger and fear rush out and destroy your nerves like a tsunami. Let it control how you feel and how you think you shouldn’t feel, let it take control of your thoughts and make your true self seem like the most horrible and dangerous thing you can ever be. Let it leave you as an empty shell, a fragile doll, and let it shatter you as it leaves.
Welcome to my world, terrifying isn’t it? Is the image of the monster in your head, it’s cold glittering eyes, it’s gaping hole filled with needle like teeth. That is my monster, my burden, my fear, and it follows me around and around. It’s not the butterflies you get when you see your crush, it’s not that weightless feeling you get on a roller coaster, it’s not the cloudlike feeling you get when you have your first kiss. It's the light walking across your wall at night as you lay wide awake thinking, it’s the questioning looks you feel that you get when you walk down the halls, it's that feeling that no can see you or just doesn't care. Heavy.
Let me give you an idea of how it may feel.
Imagine you are in a dark room, can’t see in front of your own face, and it’s quiet. Suddenly a spark appears in the center of the room, it’s bright and large and radiates energy, then out of the corner of your eye you see this.. Thing. Its shadow stretches across the wall, no, it is it’s shadow. Slowly it approaches the large light, and you begin to move, chasing after as it gets closer and closer. Then it stops, and it looks at you, and you freeze. Its glittering pitch black eyes, its limbs that stretch and stretch and bend in ways and sharp angles that they just shouldn’t, it’s large gaping hole that could assumed to be a mouth that was filled with rows of silvery needles. It’s glare is empty and harsh, and then the gaping hole widens, and voices fly out “why would you like something like that?” “that’s so weird! Don’t even go near me!” “I don’t believe you. I won’t accept this, get out!”.
You try to cover your ears but to no avail as the voices get louder and louder, the anxieties start to cling to you, weighing you down and swarming around you. The creature advances, the spark seeming like nothing more than just that a spark, and with just one move the spark is extinguished. Now i’ll give you a moment to let this all sink in for a moment, ready? The room is engulfed in darkness again, and you can’t see the creature anymore, but you feel it following you. Grabbing at you and chasing you away as you try to light the spark again, huddled in the corner as you feel it staring with empty eyes, sometimes it leaves the room but only because it knows you don’t want to light the spark again. When you want to again, it returns, sending you back across the room and making you lose all your progress.
This is a constant scenario going on, whether it's visible or not, this is my monster. It walks beside me everyday, keeping me in line and quiet. On the bus, in the classroom, in the cafeteria it’s there. At times it lets up, giving me a chance to respond to things, only because it knows its work has been done.
Its final weapon, that has been growing in me, my monster ‘rejection’ has given me.
insecurity
