Courage

Chapter 24. What I could not tell you

Colin's POV

My flight leaves in 4 hours.

The airport is pretty quiet today, thankfully there are not too many people around me.

Besides, nobody has recognized me, which is a relief because I'm not in the mood to take pictures or sign autographs. And being honest, I'm not in the mood for anything today. 

At this very moment I'm sitting, I have my feet on my suitcase, a tea in my left hand and my phone in my right hand.

I'm making an effort not to fall asleep sitting right here. In the last three days I have slept only 9 hours, I feel that my head is going to explode.

My life is a real mess right now.

I recently told my wife that we needed to be apart for a while and she agreed. She supported my decision.
I still can't believe it. I always thought the hardest part was going to be talking to Helen, but it wasn't. On the contrary, the worst part is talking to my children.

My children... I feel that they are the only right thing I have in my life. Everything else is pretty confusing.

This short trip is my chance to work things out with Jen.

It's now or never, man.

I was too nervous to sit for 4 hours. My head was running ceaselessly, images of my family, my children, my projects appeared again and again, but Jen was also in my thoughts.

I looked around for something that caught my attention, I needed to distract myself.

I saw a little boy coloring a cartoon book.

The little boy just gave me an idea.

Actually, it's something I should have done a long time ago: write a letter.

Write a letter to Jen, obviously.

I always carry with me a pen, I mean, there is always one in my bag, but couldn't find it.
I started practically taking out everything in my bag until the nerves seized me and I dropped the bag on the floor.

I sighed.

This is ridiculous.

I looked back at the little boy again.

I hesitated for a few seconds.

You're about to borrow a pencil from a child. Idiot. I said to myself.

I approached the child, I knelt in front of him and seemed little frightened by my presence.

"You're a real artist, huh." I said.

The little boy looked at me with a big smile on his face. "Thdanziu"he murmured with his pencil in his mouth.

I laughed.

"Can I borrow one of those?" I said pointing to a pen.

"Yep," the boy held out his hand to give me the pen.

I practically ran to the nearest free table I found, took a paper sheet from my calendar and looked for a few seconds at the blank sheet.

I felt like I was going to start writing a book.

This made me think, if this was a book. What would be the title? 

I sighed.

What I could not tell you. That would be the title.

I assume someone has already used it for some romantic novel, or maybe a drama, but...I like this one! It's very...how to say it, it's perfect to me!

I'll always have things to tell Jen.

Words don't reach her,  I mean, not all. She is more than just words.

Nothing I can say to Jen is enough to explain how I feel.

I will try to write, right here, what I could not say that day in my trailer.

***

When I finished writing, I was relieved.

All my feelings are here in this letter. This is one of the most treasured treasures at the moment. Here is the truth. Here, on this piece of paper, I am, and so is my heart.

That's right, I rolled my heart in this damn letter.

Because I was too cowardly to tell her what I feel, just when she told me. I was a f*cking coward because I can not be honest with me.

I put 'my little treasure' in my pocket and crossed my arms.

My flight leaves in 2 hours.

I checked my phone. I had a notification.

Twitter. Nothing interesting.

I checked the explorer, just to kill boredom. Two new photos of Jen, taken by the paparazzi.

My jaw dropped.

I couldn't breathe.

It's Jen. With a guy.

JEN KISSING A GUY.