Before I begin this very true story, I am legally obligated to warn you all none of this is made up at all. There is a lot of lies in this world like all the fake news in mainstream media. At least that is what God Emperor Trump tells me.
It all started when I gave Hachi a shit load of tequila. He is a lightweight when it comes to alcohol and he does pretty funny things while wasted. One time I got him rozzle zozzled out of his mind he punched a cop. The cop hit him in his pinecone dick with a club and shot me in the ankle before he dragged us to jail. The judge decided we would either be put into the service of the glorious Imperial Germany Army or we'd have to suck dicks for like three or four years in a government run gulag. As much as Hachi hates fighting he hates sucking dick even more. So we chose the obvious.
We got shipped off the the trenches on the Western Front the very next day. We were greeted by some Forrest Gump motherfucker named Johnny Pringle. He would not shut the fuck up about some deaf-mute girl from South America. He also cried about some girl he was dating who got drunk and fugged some rando black man. There was also some cute nurse there who kept yelling at him for stepping on all the rusty nail bats. I guess she had some Spanish name like Yuli or some shit. Rumor had it was she was actually a futa. Hachi was out trying to eat some dirt so he could hear what the land had to say. His druid nonsense always confused me, but I guess it worked because he started whining about how it tasted of blood and feces. The land told him he was in the latrine patch and it wanted him out.
Our first day out in the field was boring. There were fireworks, but I was told not to stand to close because they were too spicy and would hurt your face if they touched you. Hachi was out trying to climb trees and found out that all the trees were fake. They were actually made out of all the spare Ikea furniture left over when people follow the instructions. Being the druid that loved trees he was absolutely offended or something. I was too busy staring at the nurse to hear him bitching. The nurse totally had a bulge.
Nighttime was pretty interesting because the commanding officer asked for recruits for a night raid and since raids at night are usually for panties I eagerly agreed and made Hachi come along. We had to play hopscotch when we got over the tall wall of sleeping guys and sandbags because there were mimes under the ground. I really hate mimes. They are French and they don't speak. They remind me too much of my ex gf. The extra pale skin doesn't help the eerie resemblence. Anyways we got to the camp of the Pilsbury Dough Boy and there weren't any biscuits or panties. I felt pretty betrayed. I thought I was promised panties and baked goods. They told me I was supposed to take their hentai posters and dakis and to club anybody that got in the way. I wasn't going to do it unless I got my damn buttery biscuits, but the dakis made up for it a little bit. Hachi ended up beating some guy up because he made fun of his pinecone dick. It wasn't very nice, but he kinda deserved it though Hachi really should wear pants more often so that doesn't happen.
A week goes by and it's just the same thing everday. I get handed a slingshot and told to watch out for the gundams that show up to try and fuck us. Hachi kept getting cooking duty which was nice I guess if you like making rat tacos with a nurse that possibly has a penis. She has nice elbows at least. I have yet to see any of the face fucking robots yet, but I have been assured they do exist. They are just trying to keep me out of the infirmary I am sure.
The next week I was able to get put in the infirmary for a few days because they manager heard I was good at sewing. I thought he meant like back patches on hoodies not people sewing. It is similar enough that I could handle it, but the qt 3.14 nurse was what kept me there. I actually got to talk her after staring at her elbows for the last week. Being a real swag master I used my best line.
"Hey little mami, wuz poppin?"
"Fuck off, pendejo," she says.
"Okay"
She didn't seem too impressed by my swag, but she'll come around eventually...I hope. We end up spending the rest of the day in silence.
The following day I figured I would try to woo her again with my amazing intellect and charm. I slam at least half a pot of coffee before I approach her. She was staring at me walking up to her while I was practically vibrating from the caffiene buzz.
"I eat ass," I blurt out impulsively.
"That's neat," she replies annoyed.
"Are you going file a sexual harrasment complaint?"
"This is 1915 I don't know what that is"
I walk away slowly and cry in a corner for at least forty-five minutes. I gathered what was left of myself and went back to sewing arms and legs back on. I had to be careful of which limb was supposed to go where because Hachi had to put down this creepy flesh golem I accidentally made when I stitched up the wrong people while sipping a little too much whiskey. He still won't let that go.
There was a couple days that went by before I would make eye contact with Yuli. The air was still filled with this awkward tension. Every once and while she would drop a scapel or something onto the dirt floor and bend over to pick it up. She would always turn around and ask why I was so pale when she got it picked it up. I did finally build up the courage to ask the question I have been meaning to ever since I saw her cute, smug face.
"Do you have a penis?"
"Take a look," she says while pulling up her skirt.
She instructs me to pull down her Might Morphin Power Ranger boxers. I do so. What I saw scarred me for life. It was the Shinji's face.
"Aren't you supposed to be in a robot," I say confused.
The room is filled with incoherent screaming that hurts my ears. It doesn't stop. I try to run away and I still hear it because she's chasing me. Please make it stop. I want this to end. Hachi shows up and starts saying shit in Spanish. At least I think it's Spanish, I don't know foreign languges other than Russian too well after that one run in with some weird mafia bros. Shinji stops screaming and turns back into what would be normal for that dark and evil place betwixt her legs. I learned to never ask questions like that ever again.
I never talked much to that girl ever again because of what happened last time I did. It was like a week later when we got sent back to normal life because the Germans got beat at rock-paper-tribadism by the Allied forces. We were deemed not a threat to anyone other than the occasional fly so we got to sent back on a train to the nearest non-exploded city. The dudebros in charge of shipping us back thought they were really funny when they forced me to sit near Yuli for a three day trip. Nothing really happened during that trip though. I just learned not to give Hachi anymore cactus booze.
