Imperfect

Chapter 6 "Lilly's Secrets"

The trees and houses zoom by me as I drive down the street. I was on my way to the mall. Normally, I would never go to the mall on a weekend by myself, but I need new clothes because my clothes now are getting very loose. Harper was hanging out with Matthew today so I had to go alone. I turn into the parking lot and search for a space to park. Nothing is more embarrassing than pulling up in a mini van because I'm too "irresponsible" for my own car. I shift the gears into park and grab the keys out of the ignition. It's Saturday, so surely the mall was going to be filled with people from school. I get out of the car and lock the doors before walking up to the front doors of the building. There was a group of guys standing around in front of the door, blocking my way of getting in. I try to walk around them, but they still block the path.

"Um, e-excuse me..?" I say in a small voice. I thought no one heard me until one of the guys look at me. He's tall and muscular. He's wearing a letterman jacket from my school, so I think he's a senior. The rest of the guys turn around and stare at me. I feel my cheeks burning.

"Yeah?" The guy asks. His voice was deep and stern, obviously trying to scare me away.

"I uh...I need to get in." I reply. I began to feel myself sweat and my heart beating fast. He turns his body to face me, a smirk forming on his face.

"Yeah? What are you going to do about it?" He takes a step closer to me, and I take a step back. I feel my throat become try, not being able to say a word.

"Leave her alone, asshole." I look to my left and see Lilly standing there. The guy turns his head to see her, his face infuriated. He takes a step towards her.

"I said leave her alone...asshole" Lilly crosses her arm, never breaking eye contact with him.

"Or what?" He smirks at her.

"Or I'll call you mom and tell her that you're not actually at the library." His smirk falls and his face becomes angry. Her glances at me, then Lilly before he walks away, his friends following. I let out a breath of relief.

"Oh my god, thank you so much." I say as I run up to her. "How do you know his mom?"

"He's my neighbor. When we moved in my mom made us hangout once because we were close in age." She smiles at me. "Are you meeting Harper..or something?"

"No, it's just me today." I pull my sweater over my body more and hold it there.

"Same with me, do you just want to...hang out together?" She asks, sounding way more shy than before.

"Yeah, that would be fun. I have to get some new clothes and it won't be as boring to have someone with me." Her face lights up and I smile. She grabs my hand and leads me inside the mall.

We shopped for hours. We went to probably 50 different stores and spent over a hundred dollars. Good thing my mom gave me the money. We walked by a pretzel stand and Lilly stopped to get two. We decided to sit down at the fountain by the exit. She hands me one of the pretzels.

"I'm really not hungry." I say. Lilly looks at me, she frowns and puts the pretzel back in the bag.

"Maybe....maybe you should get help, Isabella." She says, breaking the silence. She is hesitant about making eye contact with me.

"I don't need help." I reply firmly, adjecting my posture.

"Yes you do, Isabella. You need to eat-" Before she can finish, I cut her off.

"I don't need to do anything. I don't need to eat, and I don't need help." Now infuriated, I grab my keys from my pants pocket and stand up fast. I turn around to grab my bags when I drop my keys in the fountain.

"Shit!" I whisper to myself.

"I'll get it." Lilly says as she rolls up her right sleeve. She dunks her hand in the water and grabs my keys from the bottom. As she hands me my dripping wet keys, I notice something all to familiar on her arm.

"What's this?" I ask sternly as I grab her arm and stare at it. She tries to yank it from me, but I keep my grip firm.

"Uh, my cat was laying on me and she scratched me-" She tries to lie to cover it up, but I already know that excuse.

"Save it, Lilly." I say, shutting her up. "Why did you do this?" Her arm was covered in a mix of fresh and old scars. They zig zagged up and down, familiar to the pattern on my stomach.

"You wouldn't understand" She replies annoyed. She yanks her arm from me again, and this time, I release my grip. I grab my keys that dropped on the floor and put them in my pocket before sitting down next to her. I hesitate for a moment, but I begin to roll up my sleeve to expose all my my scars. I see Lilly turn around and look at them, wide eyed.

"I understand a lot more than you think." She didn't speak. We sat in silence as we both looked at each other's scars.

"What made you start? You know, cut...and everything." She asks, finally breaking the silence. I took a deep breath.

"It was the fact that I hate myself. I hate myself so much that I grew angry and depressed. I would sit in my room and cry for hours about nothing but my imperfections." I close my eyes for a second, before reopening them to tears. "I saw someone cut in a movie once, and I thought maybe it would help me. You know, deal my depression. And it did, for a while it helped alot. But then it wasn't just about dealing with my sadness, it was the fact that I wanted more. I cut every night, even when I'm not sad. Sometimes I just want to feel the burning sensation of the scissors against my skin and watch the blood flow out." I roll down my sleeve and cup my face with my hands. "I swear I'm not crazy..." My voice cracks I begin to feel a tear run down my cheek. I've never told anyone that, it's one of my biggest secrets. I'm afraid that if I told anyone, they would think I'm crazy and send me to a hospital.

"You're not crazy, I feel the exact same. You're not alone, Isabella." Lilly's voice was soft and pitiful. She leans in and wraps her arms around me. We hold that hug for about thirty seconds before releasing each other.

I take a deep breath before I spoke. "I told you my darkest secret, now you tell me. What made you start cutting?" I ask, wiping the tears from my eyes.

Right after I spoke, a girl around my age sat on the other side of Lilly, putting about a foot of space between them. She looked familiar, but I couldn't put my finger on it.

"Last year, I fell in love with this boy. His name was Blake, and we dated for a couple months." Lilly took a deep breath. "I was head over heels for him. He made me so happy because I never thought that I would find someone who would like me for me. And when I met Blake, I was the happiest I've ever been. One day, we were texting back and forth about random shit in our lives, and he was getting really sexual." She froze for a moment, debating whether to continue or not. "He asked me for pictures...of me. I didn't want to do it, I swear. But I thought if I didn't, he would break up with me. So I did. The next day at school I found out that he showed those pictures to his friends. Word got around and everyone began to call me names like slut, skank, whore." She took a deep breath. "My friend's eventually turned against me, and I was left alone. For three months this bullying went on, and I couldn't hand it. My cousin used to cut herself when she was a teenager, so I decided to try it to ease the pain of my sadness. And, like you, it worked. But then I became addicted. Eventually my mom found out about the bullying and forced our family to move here, to get away from it all." I see a tear run down her cheek.

"I'm so sorry, Lilly. I had no idea." I now regret bringing any of this up. I wrap my arms around her as she sobbed slightly.

"It's okay, Isabella. I'm alright. I have to get home anyways." She stands up, adjecting her purse on her shoulder. I look over at the girl down the bench and see her staring at us. She quickly turns her face when she noticed I was looking.

"Do you need a ride?" I ask, looking over at Lilly.

"Yeah, thanks." She half smiles at me before walking towards the door.