Is There Really Hope For Me? (Destiel AU)

chapter 1

Castiel//

I tap on my note pad with my pen while I wait for him to speak. Nothing as always. I let out a sigh. 

" Hello Dean"

he removes his eyes from the window. " Hey Cas"

" I told you, it's Castiel. " I rub my head in frustration. 

" I know. "

" Then why do you continue to call me Cas?" 

he smiles a bit "Because it's a shorten version of your name "

"Alright then.." I tilt my head back and cough "So how are you feeling today?"

"Like I say every time, I'm fine."

"Well define 'fine'."

"Well fine is when your OK, a little Broken, but OK"

"So you admit that your broken"

"Only a little bit" He grunts as he leans back in his plush chair. moving his head around to get  comfy. once he settles a sudden ray of sunlight from the open window reigns down on him. He lets out a small sigh. his strong jaw tight and his shoulders tense. His eyes closed hiding his deep green that everything about him. his hair a mess, tousled and turned in every direction. 

I force myself to break away from his features. 

"What does that mean? That your a little broken? "

His eyes flutter open, pupils growing bigger slowly but surely.  Green eyes dark, deep and paralyzing. Again I force myself to look away from his breath taking eyes and down at my notepad and see that there's nothing written down. I tap the notepad with my pen once again and work up the courage to face him again. Once I do his taken aback. startled even,  Our eyes meet only for a moment before he looks back at the window and sighs. 

"It's means that, no matter how much we try to 'glue me back together' I'm still broken. I can't ever be fixed..." his eyes drop from the window and onto the floor. once strong tense features becomes soft. 

I stare blankly at him. surprised by the fact that he said that out loud. The Dean Winchester I know does not speak of his feelings, plus being that straight forward about it. 

"Don't look at me like that" His face now staring at me. sharp and deadly, once deep dark eyes, now sparkle and become tight and seem like to glow. "You know how I feel about pity."

I stare at him with a blank face. I look at him with soft eyes again.

"Of course, I apologize"

"There's no point, if you don't mean it"

"Your right, I'm-"

He sends daggers towards me and looks back at the window. 

"It's coming "

"What's coming?"

"His birthday"

" Samuel's?"

"Sam... And yeah.. He would've been 26 on Saturday.. and today's Thursday."

"Didn't he want to be a Lawyer?"

"Yeah... Yeah he did... Hey Cas."

"Yes dean"

"Your religious right? Like you believe in God?"

"Yes why?"

"Do you think.... that God is mad at me. That he thinks that I deserve punishment... That he