One day you say you love me. The next 3 weeks it's like it never happened. I'm confused. You can talk about what my mouth does or sexual things but you can't say something like "you look really beautiful today" or i don't know something other than "I wanna put my dick in your tight pussy" well I don't think you know what love is. I really hope you read this tbh. Maybe you'd see how much you run though my mind
Maybe you'd see every word you say to me sticks with me and repeats in my head over and over and over. I really really wish I could have believed you but I don't. Because here we are, 3 weeks after you said those 3 words and it's like you never said it at all. As if none of it mattered. As if I wouldn't of remembered it. Where you high or drunk or something? Is that why you said those things?
I mean.... lucky for you, you can't hurt me because I've built a wall around myself and blocked my feelings. I built this wall away from everyone else. Especially you. A year ago I remember I told you I love you. You didn't know what to say because you didn't feel the same way. My friend told me that some guys will say things just to get in your pants.
And apparently talking about marriage is also another way for you to trick me and want you to go into my pants. Or receive nudes. I will not stoop to it. At all. I can't. I won't. Because I know you truly don't want me. Because if you fucking did, then you would have done something about it. You wouldn't be always talking about sex and nudes.
My ass doesn't matter. My boobs don't matter.my feelings should matter and if you fucking loved me, you would consider my feelings before my tits. You would consider how I take every "I love you" serious. And when I find out that person lies I don't understand why they do it. And especially you. Before you lost your virginity when we first met you also said sex was for love or to be with someone special that you care about.
And now it's like a whole other point of view. It's disgusting and terrible. I haven't had sex because I'm waiting for a special guy. And you say your that special guy but I'm not sure about it. If you were not everything would be about your harmonies. I'm just so stumped on why you wanna mess with me out of all people. I lost my fucking mother already. I've had a heart attack from my first love bc it hurt so bad for him to tell me he didn't care. I've had so many heart aches. Do you not fucking realize if you don't quit playing you will damage me in some other way???
I'm damaged enough. I don't show it because I try to be as strong as I can for everyone else. And for me. I try my best to push away my feelings. I don't express myself often. Because I try to ignore what I feel. Because my feelings are so strong and deep. I get attached easily, I fall for someone easily, I care to much and I love to much.
If you aren't will to love me as much as I would love you, don't fake it. Don't put in effort just for a nude or to take my pride. Or take my virginity which you will not. Especially in this case. I'm so fucking confused and stumped. I just wish you knew what you were actually getting yourself into. I'm crazy and emotional. I think 24/7 and I close doors. I am not who I used to be. Yeah I'm still weird and full of personality but I have so many flaws. Like I sometimes have hella bad anger.
You are a beautiful human to me but if your using me, just be straight up. Don't hide and lie because that hurts me even more. It breaks me even more than it should. God if only you knew I've been hurt badly in the past if you knew how much it affected me maybe you wouldn't even play games anymore. Get serious too. Grow up. I just don't want these heart aches to
Come back. I had to deal with them for 2 and a half years man. They just went away.
Don't cause them to come back. Be the person who causes my heart to beat so fast it feels like my heart is beating out of my chest. That's how I wanna fucking feel. I'm tired of being hurt I wanna love. I wanna be loved. I just wish shit changed. I wish that I could love someone with all my heart again. And I just hate that you keep this all up.
Fuck it. I'm done ranting for now.
