These next few paragraphs will be spaced out and i will tell you the day i wrote them. These are feelings i haven't really talked about and rants that have been unsaid. Feelings left unsaid or have been told and crumbled.
(January 1st 2017 the day i got my heart broken): The more I hold this in the more I'm hurting myself and i don't fucking care if you wanna hear it or not I can't live with this shit on my chest but here's the fucking thing. I really love you. I know you know that but i need to express this feeling that I have. I haven't felt this way since 2014. This feeling I forgot what it was like. I forgot the heart aches that came with this stupid little shitty feeling. Everytime I look at you I get so happy and see this person I love and want. Everytime our eyes met the other day it made me feel so good and amazing. When I look at you it feels like everything else doesn't exist and it's just you and I. I'm going to tell you what I've told chase rn bc I can't hold this in any longer. Everytime I play the piano and I play this one song melody it sounds so beautiful and it reminds me of you. It's such a soft beautiful melody and it makes me think of you. When we kissed the other day, my heart went fucking crazy. I feel love again. Everytime I touch you, I'm touching the one person I love the most. All I see in you is a beautiful person and in my eyes you are so perfect. Don't argued with me either please when I send you this. I just need to get it all off my chest bc I love you more than anything. And I've noticed a lot about you the other day. You looked at me the same way I looked at you. You touched me the same way I touched you. When I stared into your eyes your pupils were so big😭😭😭 it made me so happy and I took a picture of myself when I stared at you and mine were all big too😭and everytime you talk about that girl it makes my heart ache soooo bad. I know you don't want me to be sad over any of this and what not but I won't be able to help it but even if I get sad I'll be able to pick myself up. But I love you and I want you so bad and I just wanna kiss you again bc it feels right. It feels right to be with you and it feels right to be in your arms. It felt right. I know your not ready and I'm not asking for anything but I just needed to express this all. I really love you. I really want you. And I wanna treat you right and give you what you deserve and god damn do you deserve the best thing possible. I feel so good to be around you and I get so nervous to bc I don't wanna mess anything up with you and in person I know I'm not that good with words but I wanted to tell you this shit in person and not text bc person means so much more. I really really love you. And when I'm with you, all my problems seem to fade away. Nothing but you and I. A world that sounds perfect to me. I'm sorry if I come off weird:/ I love you a lot.
(February 12th)
It's hilarious you think you can play me. You say you care about me but if you really cared you wouldn't go flirt with my best friend behind my back, if you cared you wouldn't lead me on like you have been for the last month since we've met you've been leading me on. I'm so happy i didn't go through this pitiful date you had set up. I'd rather my first date be with someone who actually cares for me and my future. You ain't real. You went mia for 2 weeks to "change" yourself but baby doll there was no change. You are the same cold hearted bitch tryna lead a girl on who was actually down for you. I'd love to stay friends but i want nothing to do with you as anymore Bc you aren't ready for a good hearted person. You talk about how you never wanna treat someone how they treated you in the past and here you are treating me like how you got treated. You a big ol hypocrite for that and i understand you still like her. That's okay. But you should of been up front with me. I told you I'd give you space and let you take your time if you needed it. You insisted a week after you were over her and a month later your still up in this bitch coming at her. And playing me. No matter how much you wanna deny it you lead me on. And that's a bitch move. And its funny i believed you at first. I'm just glad i didn't catch feelings harder or see you again to remind myself of those feelings. It's just sad to see this Bc i really did try to see the good in you but your true colors had to show in a different way. Sad for you. Not me though
10/30/18. My first love made me realize that i'm an awful, unlovable person. I am a disgusting slut. I don't deserve his pure love. He deserves someone better. Someone who could make him more happy than i ever could. I deserve the hurt i get. I deserve to hurt. I don't deserve happiness. Today he truly made me open my eyes. I'm the problem. I'm in the wrong. I am not a good person. I'm an awful person. I've let pain control me. I've let my anger make me this person i thought id never be. I don't want to be a bad person but i also don't want to be a heartless bitch. I wish i was good enough for him. I feel like i'm a worthless piece of shit. I don't deserve to breath air. I never deserved luis. I wish i could be better for him but it's far too late. I've fucked up.
I'm tired of feeling this way. I'm tired of the heart aches. I don't want to feel this way about luis. I cant hurt him. I would never want to hurt his delicate beautiful heart. The only way i can make sure i never hurt him, is if i never get back with him. The hardest part is to let go of him. I love him. But i don't deserve him. I have to let go of the memories we shared together. I have to forget every feeling he made me feel. I know i don't deserve his love. He's the only guy that's ever made me feel beautiful about myself. His love made me feel strong and amazing. I feel so much with him. I feel as if no one could replace the feeling he made me feel. I will always love luis lara. But i have to accept that he doesn't belong to me. He can't because i simply don't deserve the beauty he brings. I don't deserve true love or true happiness. I don't deserve the feeling of love. He will never be mine and i have to accept that.
February 2019 Today, i let luis go.. I asked him what he wanted, and he said he didnt know. And thats when i decided, i dont need to deal with him hurting me even long. Hes a boy, he doesnt know what the fuck he wants. Hes not a man. He doesnt want me. Hes a boy and is confused... while im a women. I know what i want. I know my needs. I know what i need to feel loved. But he didnt match my needs. He didnt live up tot he small expectation i needed. Like communication. That is a NEED in a relationship. Buthe doesnt give a fuck.. I love him but i cant keep hurting myself for him. I let him go bc all he will do is hurt me if i keep staying with him. He will never be able to provide whwat i need from a MAN.
