paper hearts [m.c]

04. gray

Love is weird.  

At first, you are all alone. And then you pick someone, you feel happy about that. You let them in and tell them everything. You tell them you love them. They said it back. But, later, they break your heart. They said they are sorry, but you know they're not. 

And they left you. 

And here you are, left all alone - again. 

And somehow, after all the things that happened between the two of you. You never stop loving them. Even how deep they cut you, and how damaged they make you, you still love them.  

And that's what I don't understand. How could you still love someone that has hurt you so many times before? Isn't that weird? 

You should've hate them, because they wrecked you. But you don't.

I am currently in Melbourne, it's the last day being here. And right now, I am in a park. Small park, with like ten kids around.  

I wish I could be as happy as those children. I wonder how to stop the pain, I tried everything but it didn't seem to work. The only thing to cure all the pain, is Michael. That sounded stupid, but it is. I need him. 

I wish I could undo all the pain like it never happened anyway. He probably forget all of it. And if he did, why can't I do the same? 

Like always, I had my pen and notebook with me. I'm still trying to finish the song, I have done well for the first verse and chorus I guess. Now the second verse and bridge. And that's it, I finished it. 

Honestly, I am not in a quite good mood for any writing. But, I really have to finish this and make it into a song as soon as possible. I play with my pen, trying to get the feeling about this song. I look up at the sky, it looks like it's going to start raining. The white clouds turned gray, and I feel like everything under it is soon going to turn gray too, as if they feel the sadness that the clouds felt.  

This reminds me of that night, he said it's over. He said, he is afraid of hurting me when he left. He said goodbye. And all I have left that night is nothing, except for my wet mascara. Yes, he asked me to go on dinner with him, and broke up with me. 

Everything is gray under these skies 

Wet mascara 

That night, it somehow hit me that maybe he isn't actually in love with me. And after all this time, I had to pretend that I am absolutely okay with that when I am not okay at all. 

I am never okay. 

I feel something liquid on my hand and with that, it starts pouring. I quickly put my notebook back in my bag and run to the nearest place where I could get to. I am now standing infront of a CD shop next to a McDonald's. I consider this as luckiness since I am actually hungry. I ordered Big Mac (since I'm really hungry so why not) and hot chocolate.  

I sat down once again and start eating. I only took one bite and take out my notebook and pen. When I was just about to open the book, a little girl and - I guess - her mom came up to my table. 

"Hi, are you Hazel Fray?" The little girl's mom said.  

I smiled, "That's me." 

"My daughter wanted a photo, is that okay? She is a fan." 

"Yeah, ofcourse!" The girl who was hiding behind her mom start walking towards me and handing me a copy of my first EP. I let out an 'aw' and signed it. 

"What's your name, sweetheart?" I asked. 

"Mikayla." She said shyly. 

"That's a beautiful name!" I said while writing down a note for her. 

"How are you doing?" I heard Mikayla asked. And I stopped writing for a few seconds, how am I doing? Am I doing good or not? Honestly, I'm not doing good, I don't think I ever am. 

But, there goes another lie I throw around, "I'm doing great, how about you?" I hand her back the copy and hug her. 

"I am really great." She said while smiling. And with that, we take photos and she said goodbye. I waved as her and her mother disappeared from my sight. 

I looked back at my notebook and write something down: 

Hiding every cloud under a smile 

When there's cameras 

I think those lines suit me perfectly. I'm never me when I'm around people. Never since we lost contact. We kept in contact for a month, but after that Michael just never called me ever again. Not even a text. 

I always wish everyday that somehow I will receive a text or even a call for him. I always wonder what he is up to, how is he doing, I just want to talk to him. But I just can't put together my bravery and call him. I wanted to know if he remember me. If he cares. 

And with that I write two lines down the paper, and feel more relieved than I already was:  

And I just can't reach out to tell you 

That I always wonder what you're up to

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YO I UPDATED AND THIS IS SO FAR MY FAVORITE CHAPTER IDK????????? THIS IS RARE BC I NEVER LIKE ANY CHAPTER I WROTE LOL