Surviving My Life

Where my problem started.

  Two years ago, you could ask someone how i was and they would say i was a quiet girl but i was happy. Now its not the same. 

   Towards the end of June of last year i started changing a lot. That is when i broke up with the guy of my dreams after we were together for more than a year.  My whole world fell apart and i was never really the same. He seemed to be the only person who understood me at the time. But looking back on it i wish i had more people that i needed to keep stable. I never should have depended on him. I'm not the way i am today because of that but it was part of it. Most of my problem was self hate, feeling neglected by my family, grieving over the death of my grandfather, and being tormented by people in school. 

   I was just like most teenagers in my grade, but at the same time i wasn't. I'm mixed but i look yellow. I grew up in a white family so i don't really fit in anywhere in school. I've made a small group basically of people based on interests. Everyone else basically doesn't know i exist. To be honest it is fine with me. I've been dealing with not fitting in all my life.

      The end of 8th grade is where it took a toll on me though. I was losing a lot of interest in things i used to love. I felt depressed a lot. That is when i started to get slightly emotional. My mom didn't believe that i was depressed. She kept telling me that there was something mentally wrong with me and i was forcing myself to be sad. She didn't understand how bad i was breaking myself down. I started thinking about suicide a lot. But i never told anyone. I never asked for help because i just kept being told that i was fine. Somewhere deep inside i knew that was wrong but i didn't know what to do at the time. My mom put me in therapy in August so that i could try to build a better relationship with her. It worked but it didn't help what i was going through personally. I eventually was allowed to stop therapy and things were okay for awhile. I thought maybe i could just work on my problems by myself. Nothing ever got better for me though.