Surviving My Life

What is going on?

If you asked me what i hate the most right now, i would probably tell you life.

  I wish i could say I'm alright but I'm far from it. Most people think I'm happy because i go to school and i fake a smile just to get through the day. They think that because i have a boyfriend, friends, and good grades that I'm happy. After some of the things I've been through i cant find that happiness.

   Three years ago, on April 9th, my grandfather passed away. He was like a father to me and taught me so many things. I was devastated for months. i stopped talking to people for a little because of that. I never got to say goodbye to him so my current therapist thinks that part of my depression is coming from that pit of guilt i have.

  A few weeks ago, my mom and i got in an argument and the arguing turned into worse things. That night i had confessed to my mom that i wanted to kill myself and i had been thinking about it. She mad me go to the hospital and i had to talk to Crisis. They basically gave me the option of either going to a separate school for 6 weeks where i would do school work but i would also work on my anxiety and depression or i had to go to therapy. I was able to go home that night. I didn't get home until 4 am so my mom wouldn't let me go to school. Instead she arranged with me to go to the therapist that i am seeing now.

   I am more emotional now than i have ever been. Small things can make me cry.The only person who is willing to stay up with me at night when i am crying is Kareem. He is working very hard to help me with this process. I have a lot of people on my side but no one really knows how its been for me. He knows that sometimes my anxiety gets really bad and i get scared of everything. And he knows that almost every night i cry myself to sleep. For some reason i am able to get up in the morning and act like I'm perfectly fine. But I know that will never be the case.