I remember sleepless nights
Naked thighs accompanied by a naked soul
A blade pressed deep within my flesh but it did not bleed crimson
It bled blue
Blue like the sky on a good day
Blue like the hospital in which i stayed
I remember tears
Clear
Drying
Dried
Spilling like a waterfall down my puffy eyes
Right onto the paper in which my feelings lie
But the most appropriate cry was in my own bedroom
3 am when the clear tears dried on my sleepless cheeks
When i screamed in my sleep
When i awoke from dreams of my 'no' meaning 'keep going. Take it like a good girl.'
Handcuffs digging into my raw flesh. Nails gripping sheets and hair.
I begged for god to take it back.
For an apology
It never came.
I remember praying
To a god that no longer exists to me
To me in which i had grown far too close to pain
But pain is just pain
I prayed for it to stop
I was 11 when my cousin almost made it way too far.
Backtrack to 4
Bright wide eyed and a playful soul
Daddy gave me chinese and a barbie.
Daddy dropped me off at mommys.
Daddy never came back.
7 th grade i met my bestfriend
She led me to the blade
Told me it would make everything
Okay
But i was not okay and it did not help
Scars so deep i can no longer feel
Damaged nerve endings from damaged nerves
But nothing made sense
I hate my skin so i bore my hurt into it
Hoping to find release but it only came when i read.
So i became a recluse a hermit
"She doesnt speak much, just reads everything so fast"
I left myself on days that were bad.
And everyday was bad.
I lost myself.
I remember losing myself.
I remember never loving myself but loving others far too much.
I remember everything.
