Seven Days

Chapter Eight

Day Five

I haven’t gone out of my room since yesterday. I haven’t even showered since the day I found out Cameron was my John. I haven’t even slept yet. I feel so depressed. Maybe I’m gonna die like this. I’m gonna die here on this bed leaning against the wall, with big eye bags, and a torn up soul.

No, wait. I wanna live my life. I wanna be free. I have to live it before it’s all too late. I’ve got to, so I get out of my death bed and shower. I must smell like poo.

After I shower, I pick a pink sundress and a flowery pair of ballet flats. I go out of my room as soon I got my clothes and shoes on. I still have a comb in my hand. I’m still combing my hair as I go down the stairs. As soon as I finished combing my hair and eating breakfast, I kiss my parents goodbye and go out into the streets.

A blow of cool wind suddenly hits me. It feels good. I inhale it all in. I smile and say hi to my neighbor.

I feel awesome. I feel free. I feel like I’m on top of the world. I feel like I can do everything I want. I have to make this day last.

As I walk down the street, I see people I haven’t seen before. I just keep on smiling and greeting them. I head to the park. I haven’t been there for a long time. I don’t mind walking. I feel like I haven’t walked since last week. Did I even walk yesterday? I don’t even know.

I inhale everything in. The air feels so intoxicatingly awesome. The grass looks so beautifully green. The sun shines bright. Everything just feels good.

As I get to the park, I see a bench. I sit there for a little while because I felt a little tired after a really long walk. No worries, I think I’m fine. I just need a little rest.

As I admire a really tall tree and the birds on it, I can feel someone sit right next to me. I don’t acknowledge his/her presence; I just keep on admiring the beautiful scenery that I never noticed before ‘til now. A little bit later, I get up from the bench. Suddenly, nausea and vertigo hits me. I feel like puking and dizzy. Out of nowhere, it comes out. Literally. I vomit all over a part of a street. (I swear to God it was disgusting.) I still feel dizzy though. I can barely walk straight and keep my eyes open. I try to walk though, then all of a sudden boom!

Beep

Beep

Beep

Beep

I wake up hearing that annoying sound. Oh, God. I’m in the hospital again. I’m back in my old hospital room. I’m back in this plain white room with white curtains and a white bed. I hate this room. I hate this place. I hate everything about it. I just hate it, period.

I feel someone near me. As I turn my head to the left, I see Cameron. His face is buried on the bed and his hand is right on top of mine (it’s weird how I didn’t feel the weight of his hand). It’s a shocker that Cameron is here. How does he know that I’m here? Did my parents tell him? And where are my parents?

I move my hand away from his. He felt me move my hand, so he lifts his head to see me. He says, “Oh, my God. You’re awake.” His eyes. They are red. He’s been crying. Why? Because of me? I hope not. “I was worried. When I saw you black out in the park, I…” He doesn’t finish his sentence.

“You’ve been crying,” I say blankly.

“I love you so much, and I don’t know what to do without you, Al. I don’t know what I’d do if I lose you. When you pushed me away, I just lost it. I love you, Al. I don’t wanna let you go. Ever.” Sincerity is written all over his face. He’s telling the truth. Every single word that just came out of his mouth was true.

Well, that made me cry. Suddenly, I can feel tears stream down my face. I loved him, too. I did. I still do. I just have to push him away for him to just un-love me. I need him not to love me anymore. I don’t want his heart to get broken when I die, and it will get broken if he still loves me. I want him to move on with his life. He deserves better. He doesn’t deserve me. He deserves someone better than me.

I look at him straight in the eyes and say, “Well, sometimes, we just have to let go. We have to give up some things that are hard to give up. We just have to learn to let go. Okay? Do you understand me? Just let me go, okay?” Then finally, I break down. I can’t take it anymore. I don’t wanna push him away anymore. I don’t wanna pretend that I don’t love him anymore. I don’t, but I have to.

“Why are you pushing me away, Al? Don’t you love me?” I can hear the agitating pain in his voice. He’s hurting. I’m hurting my John. I can’t take it.

I’m sorry, but I have to say this. I’m so sorry Cameron. “No, I don’t love you. I never did. It was all just pretend,” I say expressionlessly. I look away from him after I said those cruel, mean words. I don’t want to see him hurting anymore.

“Okay, that’s all you had to say. Goodbye Alexandra Taylor Chase,” he says and then walks to the door. As he grabbed the doorknob, he stops and says, “But remember this Alexandra Taylor Chase. I will always love you no matter what happens, and since you don’t wanna see me ever again, I’ll go… for you.” After that, he disappears without another word.

I’m breaking my heart. I can’t believe it. He’s gone. He left me. I made him leave me. Why does this hurt so badly? Why do I feel like a dead person even though I’m not? Why does dying sound like it feels so much better than losing him? (Just kill me already.)

Suddenly, someone busts into the room. It’s Mom. She sees me crying. Next thing I know it, I’m hugging Mom. I’m hugging Mom tightly as I cry. I don’t wanna let go.

“It hurts so much, Mom.” I manage to say in between all the crying.

“It’s gonna be okay, honey. I‘m here. Don’t worry. Mama’s here,” she says comfortingly. She lets go and hushes me. She sings me a song until I slowly fall asleep.

As I wake up again, I see the same white room, same white curtains, and the same white bed. This place irks me. I wanna get out of here. Ugh, why is my mom always out when I need her the most? Ugh, I need my mom.

I turn my head to see if there are any letters, or something, that Mom left me. Nope, nothing. She didn’t leave me anything. I get out of my bed and try to see if there are any pieces of paper. I find one lying on a desk across the right side of my bed. (Good thing they haven’t injected that intravenous line thingy into my skin yet. It would’ve been hard to get up and take a big metal thing with me wherever I went.) So I go near the desk to get it. Now all I need is a pencil, or a pen. I search in one of the desk’s drawers. Okay, goo. There’s a black ballpoint pen in one of its drawers. Now, I start to write down:

Mom + Dad,

I had to get out of this place. I need freedom. I’m sorry. I just couldn’t do it anymore. I want to live my life before I die. I’m sorry. I love you guys. Bye.

Your daughter,

Alexandra Taylor

Okay, now I have to get out of here. Good thing my mom always leaves spare clothes and shoes for me to wear when I’m in the hospital. I head to the white chair that holds my white I love you shirt, my plain, black skirt, and my under garments. I put them on, and then I put the black ballet flats that have been placed under my bed on.

Now, I’m ready to break out of this place.