messed up me

2012: The Year Everything Changed

07:25 A.M.
first day of school

I woke up early, my alarm went off and I heard birds chirping.
I turned my lights on and walked, as I do every morning, to the window. I stared outside and noticed there was fog on the window and it was still a bit dark outside. It was beautiful. Then I put on some warm clothes and went downstairs.
'Goodmorning, are you excited to go to school again?' asked my mom while packing my lucnhbox.
I answerd: 'Morning, I guess so. I get to see my friends again.'
But I was nervous as ever. I've practised in the mirror at least a thousand times.

But I was still nervous.
I've talked about this with my bestfriend Yuraima. A. LOT. But she needed time and space to process what I told her last summer.

•

08:10 A.M.
Location: School.

I was waiting for the school doors to open when I saw my friends. We gave eachother hugs because it was freezing cold outside. The doors opened and we went upstairs. I immediatly went to me teacher and asked her if I could have a chat with her, we sat down somewhere quiet and she asked me how is was doing and why I wanted to talk with her.
I freaked out.
'Well,.. you know uhmm.. I noticed that.. When I'm outside, I don't look at boys anymore, I just look at girls... I like girls.' I just finished my sentence and I burst out in tears.
My teacher said nothing.. she just hugged me.
When I was feeling more calm again she told me that she was proud of me that I was brave enough to tell her. I asked her if I could come out to the class just before lunch so my classmates knew it too. She nodded, yes.

12:05 A.M.
lunch

'Guys listen up, I want you to be really quiet because Indy is going to tell you something very brave and she deserves your silence, when she is done talking we can have lunch.' said my teacher.
I walked to the front of the class and sat down on my teacher's lap so I felt supported and safe.
My eyes were watering down and my whole body was shaking. I was terrified.
'So,.. When I'm outside I just notice myself watching.. girls more than boys...' I said softly.

It was quiet for a moment until someone dicided to joke around and scream: 'I am gay too!'.

My tears kept coming, I just felt like I wasn't taken seriously. He got sent away. But instead of laughing, my class stood up and applaud me for coming out. My classmates got the chance to ask me anything they want and it felt really good being this open about myself. I got a lot of compliments so my fear for being bullied was away for a few hours.