Secrets

Rain Clouds

Have you ever tried to express yourself? I can't. I can't dance, I can't write songs, or poems or anything creative that has a meaning behind it. It is extremely frustrating because it's the only way I can think of to let people know how I feel. They ask me a lot 'Are you okay?' 'So, what's new with you?' Every time I want to scream, no I'm not okay, but I can't. My screams would surprise them, because I'm a happy person, except for this dark secret chaining me to the floor. I just want to show people just how torn up I am, because tears are a nightly occurrence, I hold my jumper over my fingers nervously which I never used to do, I am lying to my best friends. My best friends, they used to know everything about me. We used to sit in a circle in our duvets and tell everyone one of our darkest secrets. I never had one to tell, I would sit happily knowing that these people knew everything about me. Now when they ask I twitch nervously, I laugh, 'you guys already know everything about me!', but they don't anymore. Frustration is the only word that I can think of right now. I want to kick a door. So badly, every time I pass a door I have the urge to just shove my skinny foot, in a poorly protected shoe straight at this piece of wood in front of me. I want to feel the pain crush my toes but hear a satisfying bang as my foot makes contact with the door. I want people to look at me with shock or surprise as I jump around on one leg screaming curses that will change there startled expressions to ones that clearly demonstrate that they disapprove. But I wouldn't care because I'm done with people thinking that they know who I am. They think I'm quiet or well behaved. Normal. They think that I have no worries or troubles, that their lives are so much harder than mine. Trust me, my life is not difficult at all compared to other people from all over the world, not even close, but that doesn't mean my life isn't hard. It doesn't mean that everyday is perfect. My days are good, except for these giant rain clouds that hang over them. They make the days cold and dreary, it's difficult to explain, but it ruins moments when I'm happy because I am reminded and I am back to square one.