Living Ghosts

6. Time Stands

"You seriously thought that after he walked in here, sat at my table, drank my tea while smiling at me and talking to me , that I wouldn't at all see my granddaughter's face there? You thought I wouldn't see any of her mannerisms and expressions in him? A blind person could see that he's her father, Tanaka." Mama Fay said with visible disappointment.

Tanaka didn't say anything. She could barely remember to breathe. This isn't how you were supposed to find out! Her head was going in circles. 

"You know, I can't decide what's worse... The fact that after all this time you still didn't think you could tell us, or that even though he was actually in here... In my house, you were ready to pretend he was no one."

Still Tanaka remained silent. Looking down as if studying the pleats in her skirt. 

"Kim deserves to have her father in her life. How could you be so selfish?" she went on. 

That was all Tanaka needed to hear to break her silence. She looked up quickly, as if she had just realised the question was directed to her.

"Selfish? No, I've made mistakes I'll admit, but all of it was to protect Kim. I know I've put you and dad through a lot with everything and I'm sorry I couldn't tell you about him but the last thing I have been, is selfish. Letting that... man into our lives, giving him a space to occupy... that would be selfish. Kim is better off without him, I'm better off without him, everybody will be much happier without him. He's bad news, Mama. He looked all sweet and polite when he was here but that wasn't real. He manipulates people just to use them as he pleases. I'm sorry he came here. I hate that he knows where we are. I wish I...." and with that she broke down. By this point, her father who had just walked into the house, came to see what all the commotion was about. 

"Nhai veduwe, can a man not just walk into a peaceful house after a long day at work? " Kim's father said. 

"Mai Fay, why is she crying and who is she talking about?" He asked anxiously

Nobody spoke. He looked at them both for answers but nobody spoke or even made eye contact with him. 

"Hello? What is it? You're getting me worried now, chii?"  He asked now clearly irritable. 

Finally his wife spoke. " Kim's... Tanaka just... (sigh)... Tanaka , tell your father." She couldn't get the words out so she passed the burning baton back to Tanaka. Tanaka could feel her father's eyes like fire on her. She seemed to have surprised herself when she blurted out, "Kim's dad was here". The room was dead silent for a moment. 

"What did you say?" her father whispered. 

Both Tanaka and her mother took that to be a rhetorical question and kept their mouths shut. 

"You mean that man who was here? And you didn't even... After all that we... Tanaka what sort of game is this?" He was at a loss for words.

"Ah, vana imi ka..." He sat down and rubbed his head, trying to process what he had just heard. His wife just stared into space as though she was very far away. This was usually what she did when she was stressed. 

After a long moment of silence, Mama Fay spoke. "Tanaka you're not a child anymore. You yourself have a child so you know what I mean when I say we only want what's best for you. I don't understand why you're so afraid to tell us about him, we've already been through the worst." Her voice was beginning to crack at this point. 

"Your father and I have been there from day one, and still you think we'll drop you if you tell us about the father of our grandchild? Of our light?... You would insult us like that?" She shook her head and sighed as she walked out of the room. 

Tanaka stood up, almost as if to follow her, but she changed her mind knowing she couldn't say anything her mother would have wanted to hear in that moment. Why is my life one big soap opera!. 

"I'm sorry dad." She said. Turning back to her father who was now just holding his head between his hands. 

"Go home Tanaka, I need to sleep. When you're ready to make it right you can come back." He said very softly. Tanaka had never seen her parents like this before. This is what betrayal looked like, she thought. She thought she had seen it all when she told them she was pregnant. They were surprised, afraid, anxious, worried - but they soon got over those feelings. They loved Kim even before she was born and quickly moved past the shock. This however was totally different. She had hurt them by lying to them. She let down the two people who turned her darkest hour around with their support. 

                                                                                                 ***

As she lay in bed, staring blankly at the ceiling, her mind just would not be quiet. She thought she was going to go insane, replaying that night over and over again in her head. How could she have thought she could ever be free of him? Every time she closed her eyes she saw the look on her parents' faces before she left them. She thought about how Kim was going to grow up to look more and more like her father, how she would have questions and would want to know him. She thought about how her happy, carefree little girl might challenge her one day and demand to know things that would possibly hurt her.  Tanaka wasn't ready for that. She wasn't ready for any of this.  Thinking of all the possible outcomes of the situation, Tanaka  tried to work out what she was going to do next. She was so deep in thought that she got such a shock when her phone started to ring. Who's calling me at this hour? 

It was Isaac. 

"Are you awake?" he asked.

"No Zac, I'm just sleep talking."  She snapped "... Yes, I'm awake. I can't sleep. I don't know what to do."

"Well this is awkward, I was just about to ask you what you're going to do."  he responded flatly.

She really didn't want to laugh. It wasn't even that funny to her but her state of suppressed hysteria only needed the slightest provocation. She started to laugh, and so did Isaac. They laughed for a few seconds and the dark laughter quickly died down into the fear filled nothingness it had come out of. They didn't speak for another few seconds... or minutes, or days. Time somehow becomes irrelevant when every moment is just as unreal as the last.

"Tana, are you still there?"

"Yea, sorry I'm here... I know what I'm going to do. I know exactly what I'll do. I could never have kept running from him forever. "

"Ok, so are you going to tell me or are you waiting for me to ask you? 'Cause not to be insensitive, but I find that kind of annoying."

After a lifetime of knowing her brother, Tanaka knew that any Isaac - statement that started with a disclaimer that he didn't mean to be something, meant he was about to be exactly that. So she wasn't offended by his insensitivity. She expected it and was almost grateful for it because at least he was the one person in her family tonight who was still treating her the same. 

"Tanaka, what happens now?" He brought her mind back to the conversation. 

"I'll tell you everything tomorrow Zac. It's really late now, we should get some sleep."

She put the phone down, placed her hands on her head and wondered... 

What happens now???