Alaska's Fight

Chapter 5- I Can't Live Without You

Ahhh!  I know, I'm so sorry I haven't uploaded in months, but I've been super busy with dance competitions, school, and family.  But here's a chapter for you! :)  It should be two pages, I made it as long as I could without going into the next chapter.  Hope you enjoy! :D  Please vote and leave a comment if you think it's worthy :)

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Eric took me back into our room because I wasn’t ready to face the world again yet.  I was too scared to even go in the kitchen for God’s sake!  The world is just too scary for me.  Too full of evil.  That’s why I wanted to take my life; I wanted to be free from all the evils of the world.  Another way to live would be to lock myself inside forever, but even then, I still couldn’t escape from myself.  And I’m evil.

“Sweetheart, why do you say that?” Eric asked after I explained this to him.  We were lying back down on our bed, my head on his chest and his arms wrapped around me.  This was the only place I felt completely safe.  The only place I know nothing can hurt me, and nothing will turn against me.

“Because, it’s true.”

“No it’s not, how can you say something like that?”  He spoke gently.  I could tell he was being cautious of my feelings.

“Because it’s true!  I’m evil.  I killed our little……  See?!”  Silent tears streamed down my face, soaking Eric’s shirt.  “Because of me, we don’t even know if it was a boy or girl!  Because of me being weak, she- no, maybe he- died, and….  It’s all my fault!  It’s all my fault!”

I was desperately trying to hang on to my sanity at this point, but I had to let the emotions flow out.  I had held them in for too long, and well, we saw what happened then.  “It’s my fault that my parents kicked me out of their house, it’s my fault that you got kicked out of your house, and it’s my fault that-“  Eric covered my mouth with his hand and told me to breathe.  Inhale, and then exhale, not too difficult right?  But at that moment, all I could do was exhale, and screaming words of rage accompanied those breaths.

“Don’t say that I DIDN’T Eric, because YOU were THERE!  YOU saw me cry, for HOURS, about our baby DYING!  Because I couldn’t goddamn SUPPORT HER!  Or him, we’ll NEVER KNOW!  I’M A MURDERER!  I don’t DESERVE to LIVE!-“ The rest of my scream-sobs were stopped by Eric, who now was laying on top of me on our bed, holding my face in his hands and staring me down.

“Alaska, breathe.  Breathe in-“

“I don’t want-“

“Breathe out.  Breathe in.  Breathe out.  Breathe in.  Breathe out.  Listen to my heartbeat.  Can you hear that?  That’s what you need to match your breathing to.  In and out.  Come on sweetie, you have to do this.”

Staring into the most beautiful eyes I’d ever seen, I slowly started to calm down.  Breathing regularly was hard at first, but eventually it was back to normal and after even longer, so was my heartbeat.  It even matched Eric’s heartbeat.  I listened to our hearts beating together, slowly remembering the truth behind his words.

It’s not like either of us knew that having a baby would kill me.  And yeah, we had both planned on marriage before sex but we’d been dating for four years and he gave a promise ring.  It’s still no excuse for doing what we did, but it’s something that helped me regain my sanity in that moment.  It was wrong, but not completely.  We were planning on getting married, but hadn’t told anyone or even spoken about it since… the baby.  My baby.  Our baby.  But not anymore.

Silent tears began tracing their way down my face again.  It was still too much to take in, even four months later.  Too much, everything’s too much…

“Look at me.”  I felt Eric whisper the words into my ear, I couldn’t hear him otherwise.  There was too much background noise going on in my head, and my once normal breathing had turned shaky again, making even more noise.

I slowly opened my eyes to meet his.

“What?”  I croaked out.  Wow my voice was sore…

“Stop kicking yourself while you’re down.  You are still everything to me, and I still love you.  And nothing is ever going to change that.  You, Alaska White, are the most beautiful girl to have ever walked on this planet.  Even in this moment, with a tear-stained face, all I see is your radiant beauty.  Stop doing this to yourself, when in my eyes you are still perfect.  Nothing, will change my love for you.”

I sniffed.  No words could describe the love I felt for him this moment, so why even try.  I pressed my lips to his gently, lovingly, tenderly, and muttered the three words that could only begin to describe what I felt toward him.

“I love you.”

“I know sweetie, why can’t you just love yourself?”

I sighed.  “Because I killed our baby.  You know that.”

“Look at me.”  I hadn’t realized I looked away, but my eyes found his once again and he continued.  “I can’t live without you.  Now, I know that there’s no way I could possibly understand what you’re going through emotionally, but just try to hear me out."

I nodded without breaking away from his gaze.

“If you had decided to die for our baby, I would have died.  Maybe not physically, but mentally, emotionally, and every other way a person can die on the inside.  That baby would not have gotten the proper love and care it deserved, and instead of one person dying, two would have.  I love you Alaska, that’s why I hate to see you fall apart like this.  It kills me.”

Just the thought of living without Eric makes my heart twist in pain.  A life without him is just, unimaginable.  It’s not life.

“Do you understand what I’m saying?”  His beautiful brown eyes bore deeply into my own blue/green ones.

“Yes.”  I utter.  It’s barely audible because my voice hurts so much from crying, sobbing, and screaming.  I understand what he’s saying because if the roles were reversed, I’d feel the same way.  I have to try to see things from his perspective.  It would be my own in another life.