The Lies Within

Chapter 3- Pain

"The hardest part of losing someone, isn't having to say goodbye, but rather learning to live without them. Always trying to fill the void, the emptiness that's left inside your heart when they go."

Chapter 3- Pain

*unedited*

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My heart sank . My body feels numb, as are my emotions.

I feel nauseous.... dizzy even.
I lunge out of my chair, and run towards the door. My mouth feels like a volcano and is ready to erupt any moment.
I manage to get to the nearest bathroom and I suddenly throw up straight away. The tears spill out, it's almost like there burning down my cheeks. I feel confused to what's just happened. I don't know what to do.. so I do the only thing I can do is scream. I screamed until it started to hurt, and then my mother came rushing in.

She came towards me and embraced me with a hug. She squeezed tight and whispered "Everything will be okay sweetie, I promise." She wiped away my tears, while she tried to blink back her own.
"Come on now, lets go home. You need rest." She stood up and pulled me up with her. She gave me a weak smile, and headed out the door. I went from being numb to emotional, in a matter of seconds.

I could feel the cold air against my skin. My eyes felt even puffier outside in the cold. My mom opened the car and we sat there in silence for a few moments, staring into space.

The engine breaks the silence between us. She then reverses out of the parking space and makes her way onto the main road.

She held my hand reassuringly and ran her thumb over my palm in circular motions to comfort me.

I lean back in my seat and open the window, letting the cold windy air at my pufffy red face. It was soothing in away. I let my mind run wild.

Did I literally just see my dead best friends body?

I just saw a dead body, but worse my best friends. Emery's.

I can't believe it. She's gone. And she's never coming back. NEVER.

I start to feel emotional again. This time more angrily.
"Why would she leave me? Why?!" I say with tears streaming down my face.

"WHY?! JUST FUCKING WHY?!" I yell.

The cars comes to a halt. She turns to me and says.."I'll give you a second to calm down." She says while gazing out the window, watching the cars go by. Her calmness annoys me.

Right now all I want is to go home not to wait around for myself to calm the fuck down.

"I want to go home." I say forcefully.

She sighs. "You can if you calm down."

"Mom! My best friend is fucking dead! How do you expect me to react? Like nothing ever happened?" I say angrily.

She looks at me sympathetically. But she doesn't understand. She doesn't understand the slightest. If she refuses to take me home, that's fine, I'll walk.

I open the car door and run to the end of the road. It felt like I was suffocating in that car, I feel less trapped now.
The more I run, the more dizzier it gets. I'm losing energy in my body, within each step I take. I fall, but my two icy hand keep me steady on the road. I drown out the loud voice of my mother coming behind me. And eventually, I pass out.

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2 weeks later....

The sunlight peering through the curtains pierces my eyes. I quickly but the covers over my head. I fucking hate sunlight.

It's been 2 weeks since the sheriff told me about Emery's d..d......passing. What I've been doing since then.. well, isn't a lot. I look around my messy room, there pizza boxes everywhere, there's clothes and it's smells like a farm in here. In fact, I even smell like a farm. I'm normally quite a tidy person, but now I'm not.

I haven't been out of my room for a few days. It would of been longer than that if my mom wouldn't make me come out. I haven't been outside much either, only to take out the trash. The neighbors must be thinking:'oh look! It's the trash taking out the trash!'
So basically for the passed 2 weeks I've been sobbing my heart out not physically able to get out of bed and living on pizza.

I take out my bottle of vodka out from under my bed. I drink the rest of the contents and throw it in the garbage. The burning sensation makes my mouth feel like shit but It makes the mental pain go away. My mom doesn't know I'm drinking my sorrows away. And I don't think I want her to know. I'm really not in the mood to be yelled at.

What have I become?
I sigh feeling ashamed.

Who did this to her? Who killed her? These thoughts have been running through my mind for awhile now.

The police have no leads. They basically have nothing. They've been wanting to question me more, but I basically told them to fuck off. Well my mom did for me but politely. She told them I'm not talking to them until 'I'm ready'.

It's true I'm not ready to talk about her passing to anyone yet, I can't really talk to myself about it, so how am I supposed to talk about it to anyone else?
The sound of my door handle clicking snaps me out of my thoughts. 
My Mom peers through the door.
She sighs and opens the door fully. She looks round my room and she pulls a face.

"Spencer? Seriously?! It's a complete  mess in here!" Well no shit.

"So?"

"So... you should clean it up..." 

"Nah, I'm good." I say while throwing my bed covers over my head. She approaches me and sits on the end of my bed.

"Look honey, I understand that you've lost a friend but I don't think you should  loose yourself. Look at this place it's a mess! Look at you, you look like your drained and you've definitely had too much sleep." She says while shuffling on the bed.

"Mom you don't understand" it's true she doesn't. She doesn't get the fact that I struggle to get out of bed every morning, that I can't physically tidy my room. I'm too numb. I'm too broken.

Hot tears run down my face. I can practically taste the saltiness. My throat begins to throb. 
"I can't deal with this now. I need more time."
"Honey-"
"No! Just please, go." I say weakly.

She shifts off my bed and makes her way towards the door.
"Spencer, I think you should go to school. It will just take your mind off things."
Did she really just say the word school?
I chose to ignore her.
"Just think about it."
And then she closes the door.
I turn the tv on to drown out my thoughts while I drift off to sleep.

———
Chapter 3 there for you... sorry if it was boring x but thanks for reading anyway things will get more interesting.... Believe me.

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And yeah byeeee