Hassliebe; mafia!Dazai Osamu

06. Fata Morgana

The sun rays were crawling through the curtains and falling on your carpet, bed sheets and like it always happened with you in the morning, your eyes. You frowned unintentionally in your already light sleep before finally waking up.

You shifted a little and stretched your arm in front of you, trying to hide your eyes from the sun somehow, when you finally noticed something...

Two strong bandaged hands were wrapped around you in a tight hug, pressing you close to the muscular chest. A warm, steady breathing was tickling your ear and you couldn't hold back a smile anymore.

This was the first time, you've ever woken up with Dazai, still lying in your bed. You didn't even want to bother yourself with questions, such as "Why's he still here?". You just wanted to enjoy it.

Waking up with Dazai, hugging you like that was definitely...pleasant. His was warm and...you had that honey-like feeling, which you couldn't give a name to. Actually, this was also your first time, when you've ever woken up with a man. You've never told this to Dazai, but he was the one, who took your virginity 2 years ago and that was when all this little game started, but since that time, you've never done this with someone else. Never. You didn't want to think about wether he was so...addicted to you too or not. You just preferred not to think about it. Anyways, the fact stayed the fact: it was one of the warmest mornings, you've had.

Suddenly, you remembered a name to that soft feeling: he felt like home.

Immediately, you blushed and tried to hide that feeling deeply inside of you without letting its warmth spread through your veins. No, this was wrong. In this filthy world, that you two has built, while playing, it would be simply dangerous to feel like this. In the world full of blood, cruelty, Mafia, breaking the laws, death, fear and sex, falling in love was just something like plaque. It could kill you. Although, a part of you felt, that you couldn't be saved anymore, you just didn't want to accept this.

Suddenly, you felt how his arms hugged you tighter and then, a soft groan could be heard from him. You turned around, only to see his chocolate eyes open up and look into yours, (e/c) ones. His face looked much softer, than usual, probably because his guard was down in the moment.

"Morning~" You smiled softly

"Morning." He answered, even letting a soft smile curve his lips

You had to admit, that he looked extremely adorable with his hair all messy, bangs getting in his eyes, which were still a little bit red from just waking up and a pink hue on his cheeks.

His eyes were different. They didn't have that metal glare like they usually did. His eyes looked kinder and more gentle. For once, his brown eyes were soft and had a hint of emotions in them and you definitely liked them like this a lot more.

"I'm surprised, that you didn't leave like always." You said, allowing yourself to brush his bangs away from his eyes

The slightly seen frown on his forehead was gone the moment your fingers touched his skin and your smile got wider.

"I forgot to set on the alarm clock." He said "Plus, didn't I promise you, that I won't leave?"

"Yeah, you did." You replied "Thank you for this. I slept a lot more...calmer with you."

"I can say the same. It's rare for me not to have nightmares." He confessed

You didn't let him see that, but you just felt how something inside of you throbbed, when he said that. This explained those dark circles under his eyes and always a tired look, that he had. Although you knew, that he was having them, but hearing him say that out loud was a different thing

"Am I special so that you slept peacefully with me~?" You asked

"No, I guess, it's just someone's presence, that helped me." He answered

"But still~" You repeated

"(Y/N), shall I repeat that again?" He asked as he raised an eyebrow

You laughed softly as you rolled on your back and rubbed your eyes

"You seem happy right now." He pointed out

"It's lovely to wake up with someone~" You explained

"You've never woken up with anyone before?" He asked, being completely surprised

"Never." You confessed and blushed slightly "You're...the first one..."

Suddenly, it hit him.

He has gotten too close.

He dropped off his guard, he let you get too close. This wasn't good. This was his taboo: to not let himself get way too close with you. It was dangerous. He didn't want to hurt you, nor to get hurt himself. This was why he always left before you woke up. This was why he lied to you, that he hated midnight talks. This was why he never told you anything personal

He didn't want to fall for you more, than he already did.

He sat up on the bed abruptly with the shock and a little bit of fear in his eyes.

He...loved you?

He has always told himself not to get attached to you. He never let you see his darkest secrets. He never let himself think of you as more, than just a one night stand. How could this even happen? He knew, that you got him wrapped around your finger long ago, though, but the thing was, that he never accepted that. But now...what was different? The latest events? The fact, that he has just gotten betrayed by his good friend and needed a replacement? The good old hope for a brighter future? No, these were just pathetic excuses and he knew it.

This sudden thought won't leave his mind for a while from now on.

"What's wrong?" You asked "Lie down, we still have some time before we have to get ready for work."

"I can't stay." He brushed it off

"There you go again..." You sighed and looked away

He hated seeing that face, that you've just made

"(Y/N)..." He sighed too "It's complicated."

"La la la, these are just words." You mumbled as you rolled on another side "You know, after everything, that has happened between us, I deserve to know more."

"I know, but...I can't tell you everything." He answered "I promise, I'll tell you everything one day."

"If you wanna go, then go now."

Something teared apart inside of him. You've just used that metal tone, that he usually used to other people.

He knew, that he was being the biggest asshole. He knew, that he has hurt you. He knew, that he has hurt himself.

But he couldn't handle the warmth of your skin without being able to touch it anymore so he did the only thing he could think of.

After he closed the door to your apartment, he definitely understood, that you were special because never has he felt such pain after leaving a woman.

~~~

I swear, I'm writing so often not bc I'm skipping school.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
I'm just ill.