my writings

best friends

Is a best friend really a best friend if she makes you cry?

I'm pretty sure this goes both ways for us.

Why are we even friends?

I don't understand her. I try, but it's hard. She's forever changing. She can lash out on me with no repercussions for her; I'll just have to be quiet and hold in tears. She can proclaim that she's crying, that she's sad, that she's going through a tough time – and everyone will be nice to her. This isn't me being bitter. It's me not understanding.

Sometimes I think that I'm a little in love with everyone I know. Maybe that's why it hurts so much whenever she's in one of her moods. Dear god, I'm hopeless. Get a grip of yourself, you fucktard.

All this over the topic of awkwardness. I get that I'm less awkward than her, but does that really mean she has to lash out on me? After all of our fights, I'm always the one left alone, I'm always the one to be blamed. I'm the one who has to fix everything. Or I'm deemed a "bad best friend".

Doesn't that go both ways? I know she tries to be there for me, and I do appreciate it. But sometimes it feels like I'm this annoying thing she doesn't want, or need, in her life.

I'm such a fucking loser. I get into an argument with my best friend and all I'm doing is complaining about it instead of fixing it.

But that's the point. I want to see if she takes it into her hands to fix our friendship or not. If it even matters to her. She told me the same thing, did she not? But different people have different ways of showing affection. I try to support her, but when she's anxious the only thing she wants is to be left alone. And so, I get shouted at.

They say that your best friend knows your deepest secrets, and while they might tease you with it, they'd never use it against you. Sometimes, when I'm talking to her, it feels like we're in a competition of who has the worse life. Like a competition of who is more fucked up. Which is kind of fucked up. Friendship isn't a competition. It's just about... being there. Sometimes words aren't needed to express understanding. How do I tell her that I can feel exactly what she's going through, but that I don't know what it is? She'll just dismiss it as me trying to grab attention.

Emotions are hard to work with.

R.I.P, YouTube channel.