All Of Me (Camren G!P)

Chapter 14

Lauren's POV

I trace the letters on the front of Shawn’s helmet. It’s covered in soot smudges and damaged from all the smoke from the hundreds of calls he’d been on in his career. Russ asked me to carry it for him and there’s no way I could say no. Of course it was a closed casket funeral and I’m grateful for it. None of my memories have returned of the fire but I’m starting to think maybe Camila was right when she said it was better I don’t remember it. I don’t want to remember Shawn that way.

Herveaux told me two days ago that he was the one who pulled me out. I got lucky. There was too much debris in the way after the collapse to get to Shawn in time, but he saved a woman’s life before giving his own. It’s the ultimate sacrifice– one we never hope we have to make but know it’s a possibility when we sign up for the job. It’s a catch twenty-two, really. On the one hand, I understand the guy’s decisions because I probably would have done the same thing. On the other, there’s a part of me that wonders what the fuck he was thinking by not getting out while he could.

It doesn’t matter now, I suppose.

I’m standing outside the church with his helmet in my hands as the pallbearers pass his casket up onto the engine running behind me. His last ride.

The bagpipes begin to swell behind me. The drums start. It’s a steady beat, a cadence to guide our course. The first drop of rain lands on my shoulder as we start to walk.

I feel like I’m in a trance, of sorts. I concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other because if I try to think of anything else, I’ll just fall down. It never gets easier.

Russ opted for a full service with all the bells and whistles, so there will be a military salute at the cemetery. I remember when I first started in the department – after I was accepted and made an official candidate – getting the paperwork for me to plan my own memorial if I was injured in the line of duty. It’s a startling reminder of how quickly it could all be taken away. I’m going to have to amend my plans. There wasn’t a Camila in my life when I put all that together.

I’m not going to tell her about it, though, at least not right now. She’s having a hard enough time with all this. I don’t know if it’s because she doesn’t have much family or if it’s because it’s just a lot to take or maybe it’s some combination of the two. I know she’s been leaning on my mom a lot for support. I’m glad Mom’s taken Camila under her wing that way. It’s important to have that kind of support.

I see my brother’s face as I walk, saluting us as we pass them by. I don’t know how Mom does it. Worrying about dad was hard enough, but then to have her kids get on the job too? That’s a tough woman right there.

After the procession, Shawn’s helmet goes onto the truck for the rest of the ride to the cemetery. there’s a bit of confusion, like always, as people get to their vehicles. I find Camila standing with Mom, the two of them leaning on each other. I can tell they’ve been crying and I won’t be the least bit surprised if they worked out a deal over who was going to bring the tissues. I’m also not surprised when Camila gives me a tight hug. I don’t think she’s ever been to one of these before.

“You okay?” I rub her back while Mom gets in her SUV. I’m still not clear to drive thanks to the bump on the head.

“I will be,” she replies quietly. “How are you doing?”

“I’m okay.” Now’s not the time to talk about it.

“You look dashing,” she says, trying to hold back her tears.

“Thank you.” The dress blues aren’t really comfortable, but mandatory for these things.

“Come on; let’s get out of the rain.”