Only Skin

Chapter 10

Throughout my entire life, I had never experienced the feeling of love. As a child, my father never showed an ounce of affection or care towards me; I was treated as an adult before I was able to speak. My mother was dead and I had no one to love me. The only sort of passion or dedication I had was towards writing and literature. I poured my heart and soul into the craft, regardless of knowing I would have to give it up sooner or later.

But then I gained Rose, and she soon became more than just a hobby or something to put my excess time into, she became a desire. Every day I spent with her, holding her hand or kissing her forehead, the desire and passion within me began to spread like wildfire. I was in love with Rose- I knew that for sure. But the new sensations I was beginning to feel were more....intricate than that of which I had ever felt before. She made my guts turn into mush when she walked into a room. What was she doing to me?

Meanwhile, the wedding drew nearer. I began to become more and more anxious as the days went on; It was almost a month away from my a pending doom. Father had come home, and today, I would meet up with Charolette and her family, to discuss wedding topics, and I couldn't dread it more. Every time I met with the Carsons, I hated them more and more. I knew that this was wrong, but how could one accept marrying into such a family? I'm terrified of the future, that's for sure. But, as I look down at my diary, I can't help but try to enjoy the present and the time I have left with Rose.

Come to think of it, I had never thought of what would happen when I marry off to Charolette. What will become of Rose and I? It's unacceptable to have an affair, but to be fair, being with someone of a different...color is not necessarily in the rule book either. Sighing, I sat down on my bed, resting my head in my heavy hands. I was only certain of one thing entirely: My life was a mess.

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"Mr. And Mrs. Carson! I swear to you, there is nothing better than to be in the presence of your company". My father exclaimed, greeting the family with open arms and a smile on his face. As Father and his wife made conversation with their counterparts under the entryway, Charolette stared at me longingly. Was she doing this to annoy me on purpose? And could she not recall our last and unsuccessful conversation we had? Clearly she hadn't.

I refused to look back at her, and just continued to stare at the blank wall ahead. I could tell a slight frown had plastered on her face, and I couldn't help but have a twinge of happiness at her sadness. "I know you two are having a party back here," Father interrupted somewhat sarcastically, placing his hands on each of our shoulders. "But, I believe the ladies should part ways. They must commence their own planning while we have some well deserved bonding time, don't you say?" Without waiting for a response, Father gave me a quick pat on the shoulder and headed to the parlor. Mrs. Carson came by and used her stubby fingers to grasp her daughter by her arm, pulling her in the opposite direction.

For the rest of the day, I went through the motions of playing cards and drinking whiskey while my father and Mr. Carson talked away. Nothing caught my attention besides the racial slurs present every once and a while, until Mr. Carson asked an abrupt question. "So, Henry." He said after taking a long sip of his whiskey. "How many kids do you plan on having with my daughter?" Clearly, I was taken aback by his question. I felt no physical attraction to his daughter, let alone even tolerate her. I'm my heart belonged to another woman, and yet they expected me to answer such a question? Knowing I would punished by my father if I didn't response quickly, I took little time to compose an answer. "You see, Mr. Carson, I'm not necessarily one to want children, but I-" "What!" Mr. Carson interrupted "no kids?! Let me get this straight. You don't want kids with my daughter? Do you understand how long It's taken me to craft such a piece of art?" I sat aghast, my mouth hanging open. My father quickly stood up and responded for me, "no no! My son doesn't mean it that way, do you Henry?" I took a sigh and closed my eyes. "Of course that's not what I meant, Mr. Carson. I would be happy with as many children the lord blessed Charolette and I with." Seemingly satisfied with my answer, Mr. Carson sat back down in his chair and began sipping at his whiskey.

I withstood the yelling from my father, blurring each spit and word that spewed from his mouth after our guests left. It didn't affect me anymore. I had no remorse for my actions, since they were true after all. I didn't want kids with her. I don't know if I necessarily want children, but I know that I DEFINITELY do not want them with a woman as horrid as Charolette. If I have to go a lifetime without sex I will, for the only woman I will ever feel that way for is Rose.