Don't Make Me Sad

One: Cutting

Waking up in the morning,

While looking at the ceiling,

Thinking about a way of dying.

You don't know what is the feeling.

The chills that keeps me thinking.

How about the thoughts of killing?

This comes the interest in cutting.

You get the blade beside the ring.

You put the blade on top of your skin.

You cut yourself without knowing.

"Cutting is a happy feeling" I said while smiling.

Cutting Deeper As It Goes.

"It doesn't hurt at all" You said while the blood flows.

I just wanna die even no one will know.

I just don't wanna live I don't want this show.

"Why the fvck am I still living?" I just want to know.
--

I lie on my bed.
Looking at my arm.
"This is art" I smiled.

I know I sucked.

I'm a girl who talks others out of suicide,
But has hard time doing the same for herself.
She truthfully assures everyone how beautiful,
Lovely, Wonderful and Precious they really are.
Because she doesn't want them to feel the same way she does : the opposite.

I don't know why.

About people thinking about depression,

People think depression is sadness.

People think depression is crying.

People think depression is dressing in black.

But people are wrong.

Depression is the constant of feeling numb.
Being numb with your emotions, being numb to lie, being numb to feel or think about everything you just don't care about everything.
You wake up in the morning just to go back to sleep.
You'll sleep until you get better.
You won't waste time awake and feeling everything is over.
You won't waste time crying.
You just want to look happy even though you're dying.
You want to look strong even though you can't hold on.

Days aren't really days.
They are just annoying obstacles that needs to be faced.
And how do you face them?

Through drinking,
Through smoking,
Through drugs,
Through cutting.

When you're depressed,
You grasp onto anything that can get through the day.

That's what depression is.

Not sadness or tears.

It's overwhelming sense of numbness and desire for anything that can help you make it from one day to the next.

This feeling is like when you swallowed a razor blade.
And everytime you breathe, you can feel it cutting into you.

You know why people cut?

Because it's a distraction.
For one moment you don't feel all the pain,
The loss,
The hurt.
All you feel is the razor blade going into your skin.
The blood dripping down your arm, leg, stomach you don't feel how alone you are, how fat or ugly you are.
You don't think about the way people talk about you behind your back.
You don't think your family is fighting or your friends hate you.
All you think about is the blood.

And it makes you happy when you cut.

Because there goes the addicting part.

That's when all the hurt and pain comes back.

When the cuts isn't fresh and you can feel all the sadness and loneliness inside you.

So you have to do it again.
But a little deeper so the numbness will stay longer.
The pain inside will be delayed longer.

And as the pain inside gets worse and worse,
You have to make the pain outside worse and worse.

It's all about control.

You have it.

You can't control the pain on the inside,
So you get to control it in the outside.

That's what it feels like.