Damaged beyond repair

Chapter 1

                The white screen covering my eyes is as blinding as ever. Once again I am surrounded by nothing but white, and once again I feel nothing but the fear, paralyzing my every muscle. I sometimes call this my time-out space. It beats the flashbacks I usually get instead of this. Whenever everything becomes too much, when fear completely takes over, all of my senses just turn off. The white curtain and the paralyzing fear are all I am left with. It feels as if someone abruptly pulls you from a wild CGI-scene, and all you can see now is a large green screen. My whole world just... turns off. Too bad it never stays that way. Just like it does now, the white curtain slowly turns into a thick white mist, thinning and disappearing, putting my two feet firmly back on the ground, into reality, forcing me to deal with the chaos and damage I probably caused during my black-out.

It doesn't seem to be that bad this time. As of lately, things don't seem to get that bad anymore. They finally learned what they can or can't do to me. Things are starting to come back to me, I'm starting to remember just what went down before my whole system shut down. The door. Hesitatingly, I look around. It doesn't take me long to realize that I hid under the table again, like the coward I know I am. Scattered around me are books, notebooks and pens, stuff I dragged with me as I panicked. It looks kind of sad. It takes me a lot longer to realize people are yelling at me, calling me names, something that increases every day. They are getting annoyed with me and my constant episodes, and I can't even blame them. I get annoyed, just like they do. I would give anything to just live like a normal student, be able to enjoy my classes and my student life, but that doesn't seem to be in the cards for me.
I carefully come out from under the table and start to clean up the chaos I just caused, my face coloured red with shame. I put everything back on my table and sit back down behind it, careful to not look up, for I know just what I will find if I do. Usually, mister Marland patiently waits for me to regain my posture before continuing the class, like nothing happened. They all know the greater outlines of what is wrong with me, and all try to cope with it as well as they can. Sometimes, they seem to be able to do that a whole lot better than I can.

But this time, things are different. It remains silent, and slowly but surely, some of the students start to laugh. I carefully look up, and find mister Marland looking right at me. He looks desperate, not knowing what to do with me. He just shakes his head.

"Alexander, I don't think we can continue this show anymore. We tried everything to offer you a safe learning environment, but I think it's time you realize that this takes away the chances of your fellow students. I am really sorry for what I have to do now, but I don't seem to have any other choices."

He sighs and gives me a pitiful look. I instantly know what he's about to do and start to pack my bag. He doesn't even have to say it anymore, I've heard it so many times before.

"I'm afraid I have to ask you to leave this classroom. Ask your counselor for an appointment, as to find a solution."

I already put my books and notebook in my backpack, no one needed to tell me that this was the final straw, I could've predicted that all on my own. After putting everything else in my bag, I get up. I can feel all eyes on me, burning a hole in my back. It's nothing I'm not used to, it doesn't even bother me anymore. When I close the door behind me, the noise inside intensifies. Broken and discouraged, I drag myself to the computer room on the third floor. I quickly e-mail my counselor to let him know. I then take out my phone and call my mother, Simone. Well, mother... My legal guardian, as they call it on paper.

"Hi, Lex," she says, "Aren't you supposed to be in class right now?"

"Yes," I say, practically whispering.