Damaged beyond repair

Chapter 5

                "How was your first day at school?"

I shrug. I really don't want to tell dr. Nolan about my episode, but he sees right through me.

"How bad were they? Your black-outs?" he asks me. I shake my head.

"There was only one, and nothing happened," I answer. He just stares at me.

"Then why are you so upset?" He asks me. I avert my eyes.

"You know why," I reply, frustrated. Dr. Nolan nods.

"I do, but I need to hear you verbalize it. I want you to learn to put your feelings into words. It's better when you talk about it."

I sigh, and am rewarded with a scolding look.

"It feels terrible, okay? You should have seen the looks on their faces, I'm done for! They gave me that typical look they all eventually get whenever I black out, like I'm some kind of freak. Is this what they call a fair shot? Because it doesn't sound that fair to me!" I lower my head and feel incredibly discouraged. It takes so much energy from me to start over at yet another college, and it already feels like it will be in vein. It doesn't matter.

"Do you want them to like you?" dr. Nolan asks me. I want to play tough, tell him I couldn't care less about what they think of me, but he's sitting in front of me for a reason. He's an amazing psychotherapist, he'd poke a hole in my façade within a second. I nod hesitantly.

"But how can I expect them to like me when I'm not even capable of having social relations?" I ask him. Dr. Nolan shrugs.

"Who says you can't? You might not know how right now, but you most certainly are capable of having them, if only you want to. Think about it, have you done anything social today?"

I think about it, and Leilani instantly crosses my mind.

"This girl in my class tried to talk to me, but I pretty much ruined that." He tilts his head and waits for my explanation.

"She was there during my episode, it's not like she'd want anything to do with me now."

Dr. Nolan shrugs again.

"You could try, couldn't you?"

I think about it for a second.

"You know very well everybody needs some social contact in their life, even though that's something you're still not ready to admit." He's right. I still can't imagine it.

"Different subject, how did last week's talk go?" I know he's referring to the appointed psychotherapist the foster family sent after me. I shake my head.

"He tried to intimidate me, so I walked out on him."

Dr. Nolan presses his palm against his forehead.

"Lex, that was an important interview, you know you need to watch your steps around them. The next court date is a very important day. You do want them to pay for what they did to you, don't you? I hope you can agree with me when I say they deserve to pay for what they did!" Now it's my time to shrug. I'd much rather not think about it. Dr. Nolan sighs.

"Let's put that subject to rest as well. I want to plan a course with you, it's time we start working on your haptophobia. I think that might be the first step towards a breakthrough."