Damaged beyond repair

Chapter 10

                When I come crashing through the doors, the receptionist gives me a confused look. I ignore her and run past her, up the stairs and towards dr. Nolan's office. When I enter the waiting room, he's already waiting for me with a surprised look on his face.

"I was getting pretty worried, you're never late!"

I put my hands on my knees for support and try to catch my breath. I breathe a barely audible apology between my panting and follow him into his office. When I sit down, he lets me catch my breath while staring at me in wonder.

"Care to explain why you're late?" He asks me. He doesn't sound angry, he just sounds incredibly curious. Every time I ask myself whether I should tell him or not. I'd rather shut up about everything, but I know none of this will work if I do.

"I was with a girl."

For a second I fear that he will tip over. He looks like he's holding his breath. He doesn't understand anything about my sentence.

"With – with a girl?"

"She texted me, asking me to join her at a café."

Dr. Nolan blinks rapidly. He's stupefied, something that hardly ever happens.

"Wait. I think you will have to rewind a bit, I think I've missed some essentials. A girl? A text? I want to hear the whole story!" His surprise amuses me, and it almost makes me laugh. I realize I've made a lot of progress, and am pretty proud of myself. I tell him everything. I tell him about how we met, about her showing up at my front door, the WhatsApp conversations and our little get-together today. Dr. Nolan listens closely before smiling when I wrap up my story.

"Alexander Smith, you've had a major breakthrough," he proudly announces. I avert my eyes, for I can barely deal with someone being proud of me. Everyone around me seems so happy, even though I've barely done anything.

"How does it feel, knowing you've made a friend?" He asks me. I shrug.

"I don't know if she's a friend," I admit. Dr. Nolan laughs.

"That is up to you," he then says. I stare at him. Why is that up to me?
"This is how friendships form, mutual interest. She's initiating now, she seems to want to connect with you. It is now up to you to either accept her attempts and start this relationship, or to pull back and shut down."

I think about it. Do I even want friends? I always said I didn't need any friends, that I wasn't the type of person to need them. I'm better off alone, where I can't harm anyone. Dr. Nolan interrupts my thoughts.

"You're overthinking. Stop going over this. How do you feel when you're with her?"

I think of our time at the café, her visit, the conversations at school...

"Good," I reply. It does feel good, doesn't it?

"I think you need to allow this and to try not to overthink this. If she's trying to connect with you, you should let her. Let her get to know you. You too need people around you, even though you haven't realized it yet."

I sigh.

"Stop worrying about it, from what I'm hearing, things are pretty much moving by itself. She sounds like a spontaneous girl. Let her come to you. In the end, you control the pace. If things are going too fast, just tell her. When people know what goes on in your head, they can take it into account."