20 Days Gone

1

Day 1:

I probably broke my promises the moment I left you there. When I left you there, never once turning around to look at you one last time. I walked away as per normal, looking only straight ahead like there was nobody behind me. I could feel your eyes boring straight into my back, and your presence was slowly disappearing as I walked, step after step after step. It seemed like they were getting heavier.

To your eyes, maybe you had lost me. Maybe I had given up on you, a lost case and decided to push forward, move on like lovers do. Wasn't that normal?

Maybe you were right, and for a second there, I nearly allowed it.

Do you remember that one time when you passed your finals, passed with flying colours? You seemed so happy back then, that smile of yours etching its way throughout your face. I had always assumed part of that was my help, and thank god you did it. It didn't matter whether I failed or vice versa, all that mattered was you. You, and your grades. You pulled through anyways, and I was glad.

You always thought that I was selfless, and I would always deny. Looking back at it, maybe I was. But wasn't being selfless normal? I thought it was an everyday thing, specially, specially when it's the people you love. They're priority, and you're the most prioritized. 'You before me', wasn't it?

It would have looked like you're about to go through hell with what I was doing huh? You always asked me why I love you, and I do. I did tell you why on one random day but you probably weren't able to hear because of all the noise in class.

But that was the past. And now, and now I'm leaving you completely for twenty days. 20 Days Gone, just like that.

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"Hey, you ready? It starts and noon and we exactly have half an hour to get there. You all right? Should I go in?" I could hear her voice with concern wrapped completely around it and I came back to reality. Guilt had made its way up my throat and was now sucking me dry, to the point it made me sick to the stomach. By now I should have had tears welling up in my eyes or maybe bursting out, but there was nothing. Maybe guilt had sucked the tears out of me as well. I felt so weak at that point in time that I accidentally let out a little whimper, but it was enough to be heard. 

I immediately raised my voice, feigning annoyance as I made it clearly audible that I was rushing around with some things. That should have been good enough as cover-up, but that was hope. All I could do was hope that my vulnerability wasn't noticed. I was lucky she was on the other side of the door.

"I'll be there in a second," I called out weakly to my mother through the door. I took another gulp of water from the glass, hoping that my parched throat would stop being parched. It wasn't like there was constant flow of water from my eyes, it just suddenly dried up. She heard, I could tell; I could hear the sound of the car starting up after several minutes. I glanced back at the notebook and pen which hung exposed on the table, a total recall of yesterday. I pressed the button on the replay that ha been going on in my head, the button that said 'stop'. I got out and made my way into the car.

I quickly fiddled with the seatbelt and secured it, all while noticing my mother's eyes boring into me, as if I was invisible and that my mind was an open book. One open, thick and half-burned book. Instead of getting us out of the house and on the road, her hands went past the wheel and on the dashboard.

"You sure about this, kid? I think-"

"I think we should go. We're going to be late, like what you said. I'll be all right."

"Sure?"

"I'm your son, of course I would. How hard can it be?" I pulled out my personal conversation killer. My mother just coolly stared at me for a second before making up her mind and driving into the highway. My thought started to play again as I stared out the window, the drizzle of the rain gently hitting the car, making a nice sound. Muttering softly, I could hear my heart pounding in my chest as for what awaited me.

"I'm going to get through this. Just twenty days gone."