to be honest, it's just as i put. maybe helplessness is the word to describe it- that contemplating feeling. school has been a lot of work, that constant bordering stress, the welling of tears and extremist thoughts that chose to delve at me: target me and push me off my ever so fragile scale of peace and balance that i had once wanted to achieve.
but it isn't just that. it's someone, something else. i try and put my priorities straight, i try to think straight- in fact there's a lot of things that i wish were like that. what if myself was included? i begin to wonder that from time to time.
hmm. am i maybe becoming useless too? ah, it's sorrowful to think that as a possibility. it's funny, remembering yet the instilling voice in my head- i broke down, i did it again in front of countless people, smiling like an idiot, as if it wasn't happening. i got asked, "how are you like that? how are you still smiling?" and i replied with saying "because it's the only thing left i can do." and proceeded on.
later that day the same girl asked me, looking at me with eyes full of concern at my state. she asked again if i was feeling okay and it was my turn to sigh out, laughing, "you know...this feeling, it's like something back in- hmm- should i say, winter 2015? no, january 2016?" and she giggled while looking at my funnily. guess it was humorous. that's okay at least.
what's even funnier, the teachers started to act nice to me. really nice. a from of pity? they'd ask how i'm doing, and if i were to tell them that i really couldn't work, they'd let me sleep- once i even said "well, you don't understand- it'll be the end of me," and one just simply answered "why stress over it?" - because it was a priority of course.
i said "if you notice that i'm just not responsive anymore, just know that i messed up and regret everything." i laughed again and again, until it became hysterical, "i'm saying this with a high possibility of it happening."
