All of Me

Chapter 3: Blindsided

I often recall the words of a certain country song, which says, "The trouble with up is there's always a down." I am a firm believer in this. This very phrase, among many others, is what would ring through my head all throughout my multitude of good and bad times during my freshman and sophomore years of highschool. The trouble with up is there's always a down. Why, though? Why does nothing good last? Something always gets in the way or goes wrong. And that's the trouble with up. Downfall is always inevitable.

This was my first of many times experiencing the utter truth in that statement. Many boys have told many girls that they have crushes on them, and if they're lucky, the feelings have been reciprocated. But that part doesn't matter. The point is, when a boy tells a girl he likes her, he usually actually likes her. Sounds confusing, doesn't it? Like, of course he likes her. Otherwise, why would he say he does, if he actually doesn't? It doesn't make sense, unless you've ever personally known Jonathan Fowler. Even now, it still doesn't make sense. But I've gotten used to the fact that, in my life, the nonsensical is completely sensical, and the sensical is completely nonsensical. Sounds pretty twisted, doesn't it? You have no idea.

Everyday at school, I observed that Jonathan was increasingly flirting more and more with my friend, Ashley. I knew she didn't like him, but she had always had the gift of flirting with boys. It was second nature to her, and she just did it well. She knew that I liked Jonathan, yet she still continued to flirt up a storm with him every time they were in the same room together, and even when I was standing right there. It was the most annoying thing ever. It didn't just annoy me, but it annoyed everyone in the grade.

I'm not stupid. I finally confronted him about it... on Facebook, of course. At that point in my life, I wasn't very good at confrontations in person. It was much easier to express my true feelings while hiding behind computer keys and a screen. I told him that I knew he didn't really like me, half hoping that he would deny it and make me feel better with some great excuse. But of course what I was dreading the most was exactly what he said.

He said he didn't like me. We had even planned on going to homecoming together next month. He broke that off, too. Everything just came crumbling down at that moment. I hated Jonathan Fowler. How sick and twisted is that? Telling a girl you like her when you really don't... He can just go to Hell. Needless to say, I was super upset. At a tiny school like mine, word travels fast. Soon enough, all of my friends and family were upset with Jonathan. No one really liked him at all. It was understandable. The new kid thinks he can just walk into this new school and screw people over, without having been there for even a month? He had some nerve.

I was devastated. Sure he sent me a nice apology on Facebook a couple nights later, but I didn't care. Its exact words went like this:

"Hey, you probably will ignore this, but I am so sorry for being a jerk to you. I know this is a little cowardly messaging you on Facebook, but every time I tried, well, you'd walk away. I know I still could've but whatever... I just wanted to let you know I am very sorry for taking advantage of you, although it's probabaly better for you this way because I felt like I was influencing you in the wrong direction... and you are way too good for me. I hope we could be friends or at least you not hate me as much."

I took it as being completely insincere. After all, why should I have believed a single word coming out of his mouth? He lied about having feelings for me. Of course I didn't trust him. I felt so betrayed and insecure. I felt lonely. What is wrong with me? What did I do that made him not want to like me? These questions echoed through my head for some time. I knew I wasn't the most beautiful girl in the world, but was I really that unattractive? I was fourteen. Apparently, looks were all that mattered to me during that time.

But soon enough, you learn that even the most beautiful people can become unattractive just because of their hideous personality. So in the end, looks don't matter. Too bad I didn't understand that. However, it turned out that I have a big problem that just gets me into more and more trouble from here on out. I am far too forgiving. Need I even clarify this? I'll do it anyway. I still secretly had very strong feelings for Jonathan Fowler. The thing is, they were only growing stronger.