Letters to my known lover.

The longest letter

I never understood why you treated me the way you did ,but i've always understood you as a whole . I understand you have a hard way of showing any affection towards me , I understand i'm not the prettiest , I understand that the distance is the main obstacle and I understand  I might have said some ugly things  ,disrespectful things that broke your trust which is already small ,  but its like you never see me until I do be this way .

Me on the other hand  I really don't respect the fact you didn't tell me that you were interested in someone else , not in the romantic sense.Or the fact you ended our friendship for some girl , I don't want you that way, right ?  . I stopped wanting you sexually, I stopped wanting you at 3am when I felt that need in between my thighs, I stopped wanting it all . That's what I made myself believe that's what I thought I made you believe , so why do you treat me like some crazy ex ?  Did you believe I didn't love you that way too ? Or maybe you wasn't that easy to fool.

I understand you liked someone else and you desired someone else but the fact you lied to me and made me interpret the fact you changed and could be more blunt and alert me of those things hurt. I thought we were on the same page , not a love thing ? Right

We in fact never been together so what's really the problem ? Why do you continue  to shun me once someone else comes along why do you hide their existence?

I sit back and think why did I come all those times ? You wouldn't do the same for me. I feel stupid because i'm just another person to you , you literally forget about me until i'm face to face with you our heartbeats echoing against each other's chest and we both can feel the other persons anxiety and the longing feeling of each other's year long absence . I think about you almost everyday ,and when i'm kissing someone else or anytime i see a guy and girl as friends happy as can be.

I wonder where I went wrong with all of it.  I understand i am super compassionate, I understand that i am overly aggressive ,desperate , and clingy but that's what I became after i experienced love in the worst way. All to blame is you. If you would've just been easier on me ,and not break me down literally and betray and pick someone over me every time ,I wouldn't be this bad . Well i wouldn't have been so bad . Now I feel nothing . After awhile you get tired of feeling everything at once for someone and not one night in their lifetime they think of you and how maybe crushing the girl like me heart was not a good idea.  I never did anything to you for you to mentally abuse me and mistreat me. Why ? Why did you do this ? Why in fact did you push sex onto me but you gave all those other girls chances ? You got to know them in any and every way . You gave yourself a chance to start loving them , I on the other hand was a rush of just emotions to you . All I wanted was for us both to be happy even if we were not together, I wouldn't do shit to hurt you . You did all the shit to hurt me .

That's the difference between me and you tho I didn't shed the pain onto other people and drained them of their sunshine. You in fact did. You belittled and degraded me into some type of Fuck you only wanted sometimes and if it wasn't the way i'm describing why don't you ever deny it ? Why don't you ever face me and what I say? Cause its the truth.

I'm not any of your exes i'm not any of your future women ,from what you show me . I'm just Jahlaiyah and I just wanted you to admit you traumatized me and  you ruined love for me and you won't even admit it to help me out. I literally get  psychotherapy for it now , it's that bad because I was already suffering from  depression. Something I'll never get rid of it . Its permanent and you helped contribute to an already harsh disease .  All i ever wanted from you was a " Jahlaiyah I'm sorry that happened to you , I'm sorry i made you feel that way ,  I won't ever come back into your life again if my intentions are to betray you and not be honest , but you can't do something that simple for me and you can't give a reason either because you did not mature before me.

If you can't ever face me , at least admit that I grew before you . I accepted all your flaws , I accepted all your demons , I welcomed them  and I still after four years of knowing you and patching up every stab wound you pierced into me , I still love you and I still believe you're like my misunderstood bestfriend. I still use you as my biggest muse and inspiration in my craft . You are the reason I'm so popular in literature , because if I never got to meet the person who broke my heart so many times I wouldn't be as powerful as I am. It's so sad how i'm saying all of this ,how i'm feeling all of this and im only 16. Congratulations , I've only been here for 16 years to know that someone ruined my whole perspective on love and proved to me a guy will run to someone he barely knows over the person that's always been there for them . Congratulations , I know its hilarious , its so cool to you that you ruined someone so young and their whole perspective on love. I know you think it's good to be a bad person ,your new love isn't gonna patch up or hide who you really are you still have the heart of a scum .This isn't some fucking I wanna be your girlfriend letter ,no it's I hope one day you grow up and face me like you did that one time the day after my birthday. The day you told me truthfully and bluntly how you felt . This time I hope you mean it .