A Thousand Purple Stars (JinJi)

Goodbye Dream

Nearly two weeks passed, and Jinyoung kept his word: Jisoo hadn't seen or heard from at all in the days that followed their confrontation.

His words rung in her ears all day and all night: maybe you should be alone.

Jisoo reached behind the computer monitor and shut it off with the push of a button. It was evening, and she was getting ready to head home. Tomorrow was to be the big day.

As she made her way to the elevator lobby, Jisoo thought of what Jinyoung said. She could remember everything about the confrontation, right down to the inflections in his voice as he delivered those heavy words, right down to the grave look on his face as he shook his head and walked away.

What Jinyoung mean was that, as much as Jisoo attributed her perpetual singleness to having ridiculously high standards and forever shopping around for the perfect man, deep deep down, maybe the real reason she was alone for so long was because it was better for her to be alone than to hurt people with her selfishness. That she was too selfish to have a relationship with anyone.

And what made it hurt even more was that Jisoo felt, deep down, that he was right. As usual.

But is it selfish to have a dream? Jisoo thought as she boarded her train and sat down for a long journey homeward. Is it selfish to pursue a dream as wholeheartedly as she pursued hers?

You're an idiot, said the voice in Jisoo's head. This is wrong and you know it. This is Song Mino all over again, and you're falling for it. Just tell someone. Tell Dara. Do something.

You can't, said another voice. It's too late anyway. Everything is going down tomorrow, and you're not invited to the meeting. It's all in Julie's hands now.

You can still stop it. Tell Dara. Tell someone. You'll be a fraud and you'll lose Jinyoung forever if you don't.

But if you do, you'll lose Embrace. You'll lose your dream. You can't turn Julie in without dragging yourself with her.

Jisoo was so lost in her troubled thoughts that she almost missed her stop. She jumped out onto the platform and accidentally bumped into a girl who shoved her away. She made her way through the station and back up to the street on shaky legs and started to walk in the direction of her apartment. She felt drained and tired, as she had ever since Julie Kiyoko had recruited her for her sick plan to get revenge on Dara.

The moral battle taking place in her heart was consuming her. She lost her appetite and was always too restless to sleep at night but then too tired to work in the morning. Her irritability had gotten her into more than one cat fight with two of her roommates, and she had headaches all the time. She didn't know if she wanted to just turn herself in a long with Julie or just wait until it was past tomorrow.

And she missed Jinyoung. There were several times in the two weeks that followed their confrontation that she wanted to call him or show up on his campus again and tell him that she was sorry. But she held herself back each time, telling herself that it was over. That she'd disappointed him for the last time. She remembered the cold disgust in his eyes when he told Nawon to go to hell. If she tried to apologize now, Jisoo knew what kind of reply she would get from him.

He'd never take her back now. Even if she did decide to call this whole plan off. It's all over.

Jisoo waved her card key in front of the sensor and let herself into her apartment. Jennie was sitting on their blue couch watching something on her laptop when she walked in. Her friend sat up and gave Jisoo a suspicious grin.

"So, there's a surprise for you in your room," Jennie said as Jisoo shut the door. Jisoo shrugged her bag off her shoulder and set it down by the shoe rack.