I'm not hiding (random book 2017)

Band/music

I joined band this year because I play piano. I haven't played in a year, i can barely read music anymore. There's just so much that don't know and have yet to learn.
I didn't think it would be so hard. I just i see a music note and I freak my anxiety goes through the roof. My only thoughts right now are why did I do this how can get out of this. But I don't want to get out it i love music, I love it with a passion. And from what I know people around me do as well. But I don't have a good memory to memorize songs or notes or whatever a fucking pick up or time signature or key signature is. I want to get better. But I also want to kill everyone who has this all figured out so well because I just can't understand a damn thing!

I'm so frustrated.
There's so much that I have to learn that I don't even know what I don't know.
Somebody shoot me for having this mind set of jealousy and just shoot me please.

And of course I won't accept help because then I'm not achieving the goal that I'm striving for.

I complain too much I'm so sorry you guys read this.