Short Little Nothings

Last Thoughts

People always wonder what someone’s last thought would be right before they die. Would their last thought really matter? They would think of the mistakes in life, happier times, regret...but they can’t change or fix it because now it’s too late. Yet that’s when we’re most truthful to ourselves, after it’s too late so we have to be remembered by those mistakes and regrets;

            Signing the last letter someone will read confessing the truth about everything. I can’t bring myself to deliver them and face them one last time. To see their worried face and disapproving eyes as they would try to stop me from doing something I thought was right, something that I’d finally be doing right.

            I don’t belong here anymore; nothing I do is ever right. The world is coldhearted and the people are even worse. My last possible thought would be over thinking. Thinking of the horrid events that have occurred and the people that sent me to self-destruction so I can make myself feel better. The bittersweet taste of alcohol to drown out the pain.

            So now I’m hanging on by a thread, barely holding on. That’s all going to change though because I… I cannot take any of this anymore. Soon the pain will stop… And I won’t be anything but a memory. A memory which I wish I can go back to. Change the mistakes I’ve made, save my sanity by leaving the fight but now it’s too late. The cards have been thrown on the table and I lost; I wasn’t strong enough to win the war let alone the battle.

            To ever dream of looking beautiful and walk down the aisle to someone who loves me, to raise a child and create a family, to own a house to call my own, to grow old with grandchildren, and so on seems surreal now.  

            Broken bottles litter the floor with blackened tear stains down my face I just think. I feel numb… There aren’t any more tears to shed, nothing to give me hope, nothing to make me even crack a smile… Nothing to stop me from what I plan to do.

Wondering if someone would run in here at the very moment before my last breath. That someone will stop me and give a reason to stay. That person doesn’t exist though… Because my life is no fairytale, not some stupid romance or anything like that.

Is it even possible that you have a choice whether to live or die? That in Death’s rotting cold heart he’d find sympathy and pity for those who wish to decide. Or does Death just encourage them to choose to follow him away their hopes of a better life tricking them to watch those they loved mourn over their name carved into a stone.

None of this matters anymore because now I’ll be free; following Death to somewhere where everything will be okay. There is no someone somewhere that would mourn for me which I’m glad about. There won’t be darkness, or tears or any pain… Soon it will all fade to nothing more than just a memory. This is my decision, my final choice; Tonight will be the last. I see death with open arms ready to take me away from walking on the broken glass I call my past.