I came from a trailer park in alaska called diamond Estes. My first clear memory i woke up from a dream the dream was about me wandering a super market for hours looking for my mom and dad. I woke to my brother and we just stared at each other and then it fades to darkness the next memory i was laying in bed and my mom comes in after dad goes to work on a night shift. Mom lays in bed and we start talking mom had been smoking and drinking alot with people in the other room i forgot why but with out even thinking i asked my mom why her and dad where always drinking and smoking and she got up out of my room crying. I remember feeling really bad and after a hour going and calming her down and apologizing unaware of what i said or did and then it fades to black i remember school and people bullying me calling me fat ugly a whore some times even and making fun of my last name because i sounded stupid to them. I remember this person named Gabriela pushing me around and calling me names one time he pushed me into a hook that held up coats in a cubby i remember them putting me on Ritalin to try and controll my temper and energy they kept upping the doses trying to control me but nothing worked i was on adult doses by the time my parents said it was over they said it coulda killed me and i was only 7 years old there was so much that could have gone wrong and the school i was going to said they would force me to take it if my parents didnt want to im so glad they refused but because i remember that i will probably never take medication or ask for mental help ever again. I remember Hannah Nicky and Jordan the 3 girls who lived across my street they kept torturing me and my brother one day they would say "we are your friends" and the next they would tell us to rot in hell one time me and Nicky got in a huge fight and her and another girl pushed me to the ground and started kicking the shit out of me i curled into a ball and screamed until it was over i walked over to my house balling my eyes out and my mom was furious with them and demanded that they apologize to me and that shed call the cops on the parents i dont think i ever got an apology but i remember telling them that i for give them for what they did even tho i was still in pain and still crying i just wanted it all to stop i never understood what i did to deserve what they did to me i never understood why i had to be different and why i was the one picked on i remember my few only friends Austin and Starleen i lost Austin when he moved away i was 4 when he moved away atleast thats what i think the memories are still faded in and out because i try so hard to refuse that it happend i want to think that it was all a bad dream but i know it wasnt just a bad dream and these people toyed with my emotions they beat me they screamed at me and they made me feel like no matter where i went what i did i was always going to be treated the same way no one cares about me no ones going to care about me that i was just some trailer trashed kid i would never sing i would never love i would never be anything more then what they labeled me a lost cause. I moved out around 11-12 years old. I just finished 5th grade and the teacher continued to fail me because she was dumb enough to give me the answers she screamed at me and even tried to keep me from fun activities because i was "a problem child" ive since then done everything in my power to not let what happend there follow me and my actions to beileve that i was more then a lost cause i was more then that place but i still had fear i still felt like if i was around to much people would start it all over again and that i would become hurt. I started video gaming and met people with stories similar or worse then mine people who wanted to suicide people who cut there wrists and hated there lives and i was curious so i did it to. But i used my self as a rock i told them not to cut not to suicide that we where there for eachother that we could keep moving on and if they did it i would to i would put my self in harms way just so they could see how pointless it was and maybe it was for the wrong reasons. Maybe i shouldnt have cared so much about them that i endangerd my self and my school work my carrer i risked everything because i cared and i wanted them to know it. They didnt know i was failing school they didnt know i wasnt even going or that i was starting this down hill spiral that has now seemingly for ever put in in a position where i will never be able to take care of my self and only thoses who have stuck around would have to deal with the fact i would for ever now be looking for a home looking for a job looking for a life and a smile that i didnt feel like i had to cut into my face. So many have left and i dont know if they where serious about suicide i dont know if they are even still around for i have lost so many people i lost zack zoe leah rosie may charlie Samantha megan steve and im sure theres more i surroned my self with better people. People who wanted to better them selfs like jesper and solar. I became emotional support and stopped putting my life in danger but by then it was too late for school and i couldnt bare to go on anymore. In my entire life ive only tried suicide 3 times i can count the first when i was 6 because i didnt quite understand and again at 12 because i felt so alone and again at 16 because i felt alone each attempt failed because i was scared and confused. Something kept telling me to stay like im ment to be here that im ment to just wander the earth helping others but its so hard to help others when you cant help your self and you feel like everything you tell them is a lie because even you dont beileve your self when you say lifes worth it you just have to keep marching on
