[going to rewrite] remember when

remember when | to clarey

dedicated to the lovely @wonderfulcaricature, who gave me my first comment on this book

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Hey Clarey:

I wish I could still call you my best friend. We were best friends since forever, right? You were always there for me, when I needed help, or when I got into trouble. You were always beside me, telling me that it was okay, and encouraged me.

So, hey, thank you.

I know along the road of friendships I made stupid mistakes that hurt you, and I'm sorry. I've been quite an idiot sometimes, and now looking back, I really regret it Clarey.

And now, I really miss you as my best friend. Now, in my heart, you'll always be my best friend. Even though you might not think so anymore. But it's not your fault. It's mine. 

But sometimes late at night, I think. And I don't know when I started to develop this weird habit of thinking of everything at night, when I lie on my bed and I can't fall asleep.

I always think of you now. Maybe last time, it wasn't, but now, for the past one or two months, I've always been thinking about you Clarey.

And it hurts a lot. 

We had so many memories together, don't you think so? There were the happy ones, the sad ones, the crazy ones, the unforgettable ones, the heartbreaking ones, the scary ones, the roller-coaster-llke ones and so many more. 

I think about them, and I cry.

I cry because I miss you so fucking bad Clarey.

I wish we could go back to the days when we were best friends. Now, I don't think you'll regard someone like me as your best friend. I watch you in school sometimes. And I think you're happy. You have a group of close-knit friends now; that makes me relieved that you're not alone, that there are people who truly will be there for you.

Sometimes, I don't know whether I'll be able to be there anymore. And even if I'm there, will you accept my concern and care anymore Clarey?

It's good knowing you have another best friend now. What's her name? Oh yeah, Tanya. The girl we used to hate. But she's changed, I know, and that makes me glad. She's a nice person now, and she'll make you happy. She won't be such a bitch like I was.

I hope you're happy Clarey.

Don't think about me too much. Thinking about a person - overthinking - it's bad for the mind and the body. That's what I do though. Then isn't it really ironic? I'm telling you not to do that, yet I'm the one doing all these shit. 

Actually, honestly, even though I didn't say this enough times when we were best friends, every hour; minute and second I spent with you, Clarey, I felt happy, even though sometimes we were crying or freaking out. It was good knowing I had someone to rely on.

And it felt so good to have you as my best friend.

And even though you might not treat me as a best friend anymore, it's okay. It's good knowing that we had so much fun together and if you would do me a favour, please, please, stay through all these letters and read them.

You don't have to reply. Just...maybe...read? It's not to make you guilty but sometimes writing things out makes me feel better - to myself and towards you.

I thought about whether I should write to you for a long time. Honestly, I didn't want to at first. It was embarrassing and I thought my pride was going to go down the drain. Then I thought about it again and I realised - I don't have much pride left for me to throw away already, right? And even if I do, is it worth for me to keep anymore?

I really want to talk to you, but I don't have the courage to talk to you face-to-face. Tanya's always beside you, and I feel awkward talking to you. But hey, it's not her fault. It's nice knowing she's always beside you. 

Yesterday I decided that I was going to write to you, and I wasn't going to waste any more time. So here, the first letter is ending. It's just an appetiser. And although some of the things I say might be sad, hurtful, offensive or maybe you don't want to think about anymore, just...maybe do a favour for your ex-best friend?

Please?

I really need someone to listen to me. 

And I wished flashbacks existed. If they did, I would immediately go back to the time when we were okay, when things were okay, when life was okay, when everything was okay and when - 

When everyone shipped "alirey". 

with love,

alicia