The Show Has Ended

Part one

I don't think many people understand how it feels when you want to disappear but instead you have to show the world a smile that isn't happy. My thoughts lead my places I could never imagine myself thinking yesterday. As of late, my anxiety has been getting a lot worse and is spiraling out of control. I have given up on therapy because each day feels like it's getting worse and I'm struggling to speak to him now. My friends invite me places but I cancel and say that I'm busy or say that I have a date. Liza checks up on me often and David comes to visit but I don't tell them I'm depressed, I smile and say that everything is fine and great and the world is full of happiness and rainbows. We all know that is not the truth.

I have a feeling that David is learning to care more than he did before. Sure, he cares about his friends and Liza but now when he visits me, he'll ask if I'm in a good mood or if I want to go out with him etc. It's kind and sweet and I appreciate it, but I always decline his offers.

I'm trying to get through the day so often now that I'm just going through the months. Depression sucks and I'm constantly stressed out of my mind. I was once passionate about not letting your mental illness get to you and overcome you, yet it did. And I've never been embarrassed to be with myself in my own company.

This is the time in my life where if someone were to drive towards me with a car at a ridiculously high speed, there is no guarantee that I'd move. I guess I've lost my will to live or I'm just going insane. Either way, I'm a mess.

My fear is losing my friends and the way I'm heading, that fear will very soon be a reality for me. I don't hang out with them anymore. Normally, if Carly wasn't busy, I'd be chilling at hers and chatting and having fun being silly. But now, if Carly asked me to come round, I'd go, but I'd most likely sit in my own world of sad thoughts.

Why must I have both anxiety and depression. And why must they hit me at the same time. I don't even want to go in public. I get postmates a lot, and lately, I've been answering my door with my head down and for once, hoping they are a serial killer.