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Apat.
Apat na beses kong kinumbinsi ang sarili ko noong gabing nalaman ko ang tungkol sa'yo - na lahat ng iyon ay hindi totoo.
Apat na beses akong umiling-iling habang sinasabi ang katagang, 'Hindi, hindi 'to totoo. Ako pa rin mahal ng mahal ko.'
I sounded ridiculous murmuring these words to myself.
Then I tossed four straight shots.
'One for your happiness, one for my loss. One for the love and memories we had -and one for the love and memories you will have.'
It was a strong liquor that I thought was enough to drown myself. I drank it to calm my nerves, to doze me off to sleep.
Gusto kong lamunin agad ng antok upang magising na ako sa napakasakit na panaginip. Panaginip na mistulang totoo na nagkukubli lamang sa maliit na espasyong pagdadalawang-isip ng aking puso.
I badly want to escape that sad dream. Because the sadder it gets, the more painful it is to bear. And I am so sick to bear it even for another minute because it feels so real.
It feels like I was a target and all of the sharp knives were struck on me.
It was so damn painful.
I even came to the point that I questioned Him.
Why did He let you stop me from serving His church and His name?
Why? Why did you stop me from serving Him before?
Yes. May mali rin ako dahil nagpa-pigil ako.
Mahal kita kaya mas sinunod ko ang panagarap kong makasama ka, sana...
Do you still remember the promise you made? That after 4 years, ready or not we will finish what we've started.
Kaso naisawalang bahala lamang sa ika-apat na sana na taon pagkatapos tayo nangako sa isa't isa.
Ika-apat na taon na sana.
Kaya tanong ko lang, 'Mahal, bakit ka nagdesisyon mag-isa?'
I hoped. And I didn't know back then that it was all just a false hope.
I made myself hope and believed in the promise that turned out to be a lie.
A beautiful lie.
That is the fourth reason why I have the 'heartaches'.
