Surviving | A Clexa AU

Chapter I: Preludes And Nocturnes

POV LEXA

It must have been after more than a year and a half that I saw that smile again. The carefree grin lighting up her eyes that made me forget everything around me. The tiny laughter that echoed through the entire hall room and seemed to turn my insides into a soft warm nothingness. Her blue eyes shone with warmth as Raven and Murphy literally rolled on the cold floor laughing with some joke the three of them had been sharing. As much as I wished that I could to go over and reprimand her, I felt rooted to the spot, unable to train my eyes away from her. Had it been someone else, I'd have blown the roof over, for laughing and making so much noise in general. But that night, after so many broken nights, it seemed like Clarke didn't care. The hall buzzed with lazy conversations, the sound of the crackling fire, tinkling alcohol bottles (the goldmine that Monty and Jasper had discovered), and her laughter. Murphy had likely cracked some joke and it must have sounded ten-fold funnier in their inebriated states.

I watched them as the three of them laughed with renewed bouts, until Bellamy came over and sat down beside her, draping his arms around him. He always did that nowadays, I've noticed. In a protective kind of gesture. To be honest, it's kind of cute, but I feel like ice daggers are twisting through my insides, everytime he does it.

"All good, Commander?" Octavia hauled herself up on the wall beside me.

"For now," I said, quickly arranging my face into a less expressive mask. "Everyone looks fed and happy. How was the scouting?"

"Nothing in the hundred meters radius you set up. Just got a couple of  random Walkers towards the east-end," she said nonchalantly.

I nodded, taking in the information of temporary safety. "You did good today, Octavia," I added.

The eighteen year old beside me shrugged.

"Twenty four hours. No Walkers. None of us dead. We have food, shelter, fire, and alcohol. We live for these small victories," I assured her, as a way of reminding her to not lose faith.

"I know..." she nodded. "I just..."

"We'll find a new home. I don't think she will rest until we do," I said, stealing a glimpse of Clarke, who was now sitting leaning back against a wall, with Bellamy whispering something in her ears.

"What about you?"

"What about me?" I asked wondering where exactly Octavia was going with this.

"Anya wasn't your fault, Lexa."

I kept quiet, unsure of what exactly to say. Quite honestly I hadn't yet processed what I felt about the whole incident. In the end, I decided to change the topic.

"Get some sleep, kid. I'll take over the rest of your watch." I said, and jumped down from the wall, and flexed my arms.

The wall was about four feet high, and broad, but it gave a good view of the surroundings—the huge hall room where most of our people were crammed together, the remnants of a portico and a garden where the rest had taken refuge. Occasionally you could hear the crunch of one of us, Watcher's boots, a sound that I knew gave everyone a sense of safety, that they had only so recently lost.

I must have made some sound jumping down the wall, cause I noticed her look up at once. Our eyes met for a fraction of a second before I averted mine, adjusted my sword, and began walking towards the border perimeters that I had set up last night. My boots crunched as softly as possible on the gravel—a habit I had grown over time. The air still smelt of autumn leaves, but there was already a chill in it. Winter wasn't far away, and we had to find a home before that.

"What were you smiling about?"

I must have walked a few meters when I heard her voice behind me, and froze in my tracks. Her tone was not accusatory—merely curious. I wondered why she had left her group and Bellamy, and followed me all of a sudden. I hesitated for a few seconds and then turned around.

"Have you outlawed smiling now, Princess?" I asked with as much confidence I could muster, cursing myself internally for sitting on a wall in front of everyone, and smiling like an idiot. It must have been when I saw her smile. My own stupid smile must have crept up on my face.

"It's a rare sight seeing you smile nowadays, Commander," she replied coolly, unabashed by my mocking tone.

"I was thinking about all the brains I got to splatter on the floor, yesterday, Chancellor" I contorted my face into a mask, trying to appear stoic in front of the person who read me the easiest.

She looked at me with the same curious expression as before. "Since when do you call me Chancellor?"

"Do you prefer Princess?" I snapped, suddenly feeling extremely tired of the conversation.

She let the remark slide over, maturely, unlike the juvenile way I was handling this. "Any unrest near the perimeter?" she asked, trying to fill the silence.

"Nothing so far," I confirmed, sliding over to my Commander mode. It was so much easier this way. "A few straggling Walkers. No sign of the herd. If all goes well, we set off for Polis tomorrow first light."

She nodded, and an awkward silence fell between us. I stood there, looking at the pine trees the building, and everything but her, my hands on the hilt of the sword. She suddenly shivered, rubbed her palms together, and crossed her arms. I was not the only one who had noticed the chill in the air. She looked at me and for a moment we both knew we were thinking about Arkadia and the last winter.

"I'll get going," I said, trying to escape the situation. "It's my watch now."

She nodded solemnly, and I turned and began walking away from her.

"It was nice seeing you smile again, Lexa," she said in a small voice from behind me, forcing me to halt. Her voice sounded tired, but somehow sincere. I knew she meant it. And that's why it burned through my insides like molten fire. I wanted to turn and walk upto her and ask her to go to hell. To ask her to keep her fake concerns to herself. To scream. To tell her she had no right to say anything like that to me ever again. Instead I stood rooted there, my back to her. After what seemed like eons, I simply shrugged and walked away towards the perimeter without turning towards her.

Even from a distance, I could feel her eyes on me.

As I kept walking, I realized one of these days I will walk off like this and never come back again. It'll probably be a Walker, or a stray bullet, or the Southern clans looking for territory. The thought of my impending death made me happier and lighter. Maybe one of these days I'd walk upto a Walker and punch the motherfucker right in the face. Maybe it was time to stop trying so hard to stay alive. Family, friendship, love—what do you stay alive for when everything is gone? Why were we even trying to survive in the first place?

Thinking about survival made me think back to the first time I had met her. Back in 2017 when Clarke Griffin had walked into our hall room and greeted me with a "Who the fuck are you?"

Maybe that's where I should begin this story. The day I met a hurricane which quelled all my storms.

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A/N: I'm back after three months and a little overwhelmed by all the reads and votes on Another Love and Warpaint. This plot has been stewing in my mind throughout my stay at the hospital. Thought I'd finally try putting it out here. Let me know what you think. Next chapter up in a day.
Love,
Charlie.