Surviving | A Clexa AU

Chapter VIII: Fear

POV: Lexa

Time: Present

A slow dawn broke on the lands that morning. As Octavia sat there, showing me the points on the map, I couldn't as much as I tried, concentrate on the piece of paper and not look out for here, from the corner of my eyes.

Survival is insufficient, Lexa. I want to thrive, with you.

I had dreamt about it again, last night. I had smiled with Anya again, kissed her again. I was the commander, again.

"Earth to Commander".

I snapped out of my reverie to find Octavia looking at me intently.

"Sorry, I was..."

"I know what it was, Commander."

I shot a look at Octavia, and shook my head, "Don't go there."

She shrugged, "Whatever you say, Commander."

"Now, please continue."

She began telling me about the formations and defense again.

Clarke had come out of the hall, and was talking to her mother about something. The sun shone off her slightly cropped golden hair, and made her look like the beautiful, strong, and innocent girl I had met all those years ago. She gestured to someone inside the buiding, and Bellamy came walking out. They were all laughing about something. I saw Bellamy slightly put his arms around her waist. Oh, so Abby knew about it. Fantastic!

"Honestly, Commander, are you going to listen to anything I say? Your're completely lost toda..." Octavia followed my direction of vision, and noticed. "Oh" she said simply, and fell silent.

Silence fell between us, as Octavia suddenly busied herself in measuring points on the map.

After a few uncomfortable minutes, Octavia broke the silence "He'll take good care of her, you know. I know my brother."

 "I'm not talking to you about this, Octavia Blake," I said, and stood up.

"Why? Who else have you got to talk to?"

"I have people to talk to, Octavia. I can talk to Indra," I said, the words sounding immensely hilarious even in my own head.

"Ooh, that'll be a fun conversation!" Octavia quipped, "Hey Indra, can you tell me how to keep my feelings for Clarke at bay when her boyfriend's touching her."

"She's not his boyfriend!" I said, suddenly indignant.

"They're not married yet, so yup, not husband."

"Married? You think Clarke is going to get married to Bellamy?"

"No, they're going to elope with two Walkers!"

I looked at Octavia, quite unable to form a fitting reply. They might get married?

"Two walkers where?"

Both Octavia and I jumped a little—Clarke was standing right there, behind us.

"What walkers?" I said coolly, turning to look at her.

Clarke looked a little taken aback. "I just heard Octavia say something about walkers. That's why I came to ask."

"Were you spying on our private conversation now, Chancellor?" I said almost spitefully, trying to cover up what was running in my mind.

"Watch you tone, Lexa" she said sharply.

"Really? I don't like to watch my parent fight, please," Octavia said nonchalantly.

I almost choked, and covered it up with a short cough.

"Fine, I'll not pry into your conversations," Clarke said, an turned around to walk away.

"Oh top being so dramatic, Princess!" Octavia rolled her eyes and got up. "I was making a joke about how you and Bell are the most romantic walker hunter couple who might get married soon. The Commander loved that story." And then she simply walked away, leaving me feeling like the most awkward person in the planet.

And to cover the embarrassment up, I did what I did best—construct the best damn wall around me and told Clarke, "Well, Congratulations Chancellor. I hope you have a very happy married life."

"What? Wait no, I am not getting married. Not to Bell!" Clarke said, looking  troubled and surprised. "I don't know why Octavia would say that."

"Not my business, Chancellor," I said coolly.

"Stop calling me Chancellor please, Lexa," Clarke looked visibly upset at that point.

"I don't think I have the right to call you anything at all," I said, wishing to stop talking immediately.

Clarke looked liked she had been slapped.

"How long are you going to hold it against me, Lex? I had no other way!"

"There is always another way," I said, almost feeling bad doing so, looking at Clarke's face. Her eyes were glistening. "Anyway, I have to go, Chancellor. I have work to do, if you please."

She moved aside, trying hard to keep a straight face.

I swiftly got out of there, out of eyesight.

I leaned against a tree and breathed hard, calming myself down.

Why was everything so difficult with Clarke? She had taken away everything from me—my respect, my command, my people, the person I loved. And yet, it was always so difficult to not love her every second of the day.

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Full chapter up tomorrow