Steel Heart

They say sometimes history repeats itself. I never knew what they meant before and I've asked my teacher but he only shook his head and said sometimes, bad things, good things happens repeatedly. Without us knowing, or whether if we expect it or not. 

But then again... I expected this. 

The blurred yellow lights between my lids, the muffled shoutings around me and the slow haze people in white seemed to be moving. It was like an action movie happening in slow motion and I was the one holding the remote control.

I've never liked to watch TV. I thought it's pointless. But then he was the one beside me when he smiled at me and showed his weakness-- and I saw the Television in a new light. It's the same as 'happy' in my head. And that was a simple blissful moment-- A little joy that I can afford.

But it wasn't that far of a stretch when once again I was in this forsaken laboratory. The room I despised all my life.

My mother laid in this very table and died while I was... saved. With inhuman ways to keep air in my lungs and the weird thing is, they've succeeded in saving me. But not my mother. 

They said my dad wailed and scream for the doctors, the surgeons and the nurses, to everyone, to saved my mother. But everyone knew she couldn't be saved. My father was just the mad man in the room and I was the ray of hope he saw in the path of darkness.

I still didn't believe that story. Even now.

Then Colton was screaming, his mouth shouting orders over the silent buzz in the background. His voice always sounded so clear, so different— compared to the others. I didn't know if it's because I love him or it's just the frequency I'm catching on.

His cheeks were wet, they glistened lightly under the lights and his skin was pale, almost as pale as I am. I gulped the raw sadness, despair I'm feeling. It's useless. 

There was no saving me. And I know that. He knows that. They know that.

Once again this room have one mad man, screaming and crying to everyone who's around, begging them to listen and once again, someone died on this table. 

"You're not going to die!" He screamed.

Someone pushed something inside my chest and I jolted off the table from the force. A puff of air fogged up the inside of my mask and in a split nano second there, I thought it was beautiful. Like watching snow falling down and disappeared into water. 

"Stay with me!" His voice keep getting farther and farther away and I know he said I should stay but... I can't stay either. He would live and maybe I won't see him ever again but the brief time that I have with his hand in mine and his unwavering gaze on me made me happier than ever-- I really don't want to be a  killer.

But...

I don't want to die.