hard times// eddie + richie // IT

stan's girl

*from the POV of beverly*

pushing open that door was one of the hardest things i've ever done. seeing stan lying there, cold and pale, it broke me.

on the rare occasion that stan did laugh, it was glorious. it sounded like something out of a fairytale. he would laugh, and sometimes he would get embarrassed, because he never laughed.
it took someone special for stan to laugh.
he laughed so much with me, and i took it for granted.
that goofy smile, when i'd tell him something cute or use a pick up line. it shined so bright, it made my day.
my heart crumbled knowing i would never see them again.
even if he woke up, he'd never speak to me again. the last thing i told him was that i didn't love him. he was broken, and i took him over the edge. stan is here, because of me.
i'd never get to wrap his curls around my finger.
i'd never get to laugh at him again for getting flustered around me.
i'd never get to listen to his beautifully calm voice read the torah.
i'd never see him smile.
i'd never see him laugh.
because he won't be around to do these things with me.
he would never get to see me the way i see him again.
i missed him. the lump in my throat was the size of a whale.
would they even let me in his funeral?
oh look, it's beverly marsh, the girl who caused stan to die.
i wanted him to whisper jewish hymns in my ears when i cried.
i wanted him to smile sheepishly when he said something cute.
i didn't want to see him crying, and yet, that's the last image i have of him.

i didn't care if he was mad at me when he woke up.
i just wanted him awake. because i can't imagine a world without stan uris in it.
i'll never get to tell him these things.
that's what hurts the most.
richie rushed over to the bedside.
"i-i'm sorry. i never thought i would hurt you," richie whispered. his voice broke, and he had to look away. richie touched stan's hand, and then looked at eddie. tears had welled in his huge brown eyes.
"richie, can i talk to you?" eddie asked. richie nodded and eddie helped him out of the room.
it was me and stan now, and i couldn't hold back anymore.
i pulled a chair to his bedside.
"i love you, you know. but not like this." i told him. of course, there was no response. no witty comeback, no cute smile. just a pale face. a hot tear rolled down my cheek.
"why stan? you know i never meant any of that. i just.. i was mad and confused. if i knew you were gonna do that, i never would've let you leave."
no response.
"how could you have wanted to die? even without me, you have so much to live for! i know it's my fault you're here, but you must've known i cared whether you died or not!" here i was, yelling at him, even when he's dead.
i have such a shitty way of showing i care.
i didn't want to fight with him any more.
i gently kissed him on the forehead, and pushed the chair back against the wall. i'm gonna wait until he's pronounced dead, or he wakes up.
mr. and ms. uris walked in the door. they looked shocked to see me with stan.
"miss marsh! what a surprise!" ms. uris said.
"yeah. how did you get back here?" mr. uris asked, suspicion laced in his voice.
"oh, i have my ways," i told them, and smiled as sweetly as possible. i realized ms. uris' eyes were puffy. mine were too. mr. uris looked at me.
"if you don't mind, beverly, we'd like some alone time with our son," he told me. i nodded my head, and stood up.
"also, try not to come too much, i don't want stan's girlfriend getting any bad ideas about you." mr. uris finished. i nodded and walked out of the room as quickly as possible.
girlfriend.
the word pounded in my head, over and over. he told me he loved me. should've known he had a girlfriend.
i was only a few steps out of the door when i walked right into a blonde girl. she looked shocked.
"oh my gosh! i'm so sorry!" she apologized. then, she outstretched her hand to help me up.
"it's alright," i answered. she looked behind the room i was coming from, and her sweet demeanor faded away. she narrowed her eyes.
"did you just come from room 315?" she asked me. i nodded. her mouth tightened.
"you must be beverly. red hair, blue eyes. just like stan described," the girl said, her voice dripping with venom.
"what's it to you?" i asked her, mimicking her tons.
"i suggest you stay the fuck away from my boyfriend, that's what!" she exclaimed.
boyfriend.
"boyfriend? oh! i didn't realize! how long have you two been dating?" the girl looked taken aback.
"it's been one year. today was supposed to be our anniversary, before well, stan-" the girl stopped to choke back tears and fix her mascara.
"well i think you need to talk to stan about that. he's told me he loves me, and we've gone on dates. they were really sweet." through all these venomous comments, i found myself blushing over memories. the girl clenched her fist.
"that's not what he said. stan said he saw you kissing some guy at the kissing rock. he called you all sorts of things that a lady should never say out loud. i'll give you a few decent ones: bitch, whore, slut," the girl teased. i felt the tears come back, but this time, they were angry.
"stay away from him," the girl finished, before smirking and walking into stan's room.

what a bitch. somehow, though, her words still hurt like hell.
stan, the kid who wanted nothing more than to watch birds and get a hug every once and a while, had called me horrible names.
he had a girlfriend.
the whole time.
i don't know who to trust anymore.
all i knew was that i needed to get out of this fucking hospital before i lost it.
i sprinted, not even bothering to use elevators. stairs kept my brain from thinking sad thoughts. i ran out of the hospital, and sprinted down a street, not caring where i went.