La Douleur Exquise

I Broke My Heart

In all fairness, you didn’t know at first. You, with your twisted humor and eccentric morals, weren’t aware of what I felt for you. You lived in a world so covered by unique that I, who so sought comfort, didn’t dangle into your radar. I was not an apple in your eye, I was more of the seed. I had the potential but nobody, especially you, saw it. But I was your friend. There was that time when I had enough courage to talk to you and you responded and we formed this kind of relationship no one really understood. We were an odd sort of friendship; you were so popular, so athletic, so witty and I was so not-like-that. What we had thrived, amidst all the doubts we did manage to stay friends. The conflict started when you started telling me about her. Her, with her wavy brown hair and charming smile. You said you loved her. You said you will court her. I didn’t say anything, but you were so caught up with your plans you didn’t notice my silence. You pursued her, you loved her with all you had and you told me everything about it.

That’s where it started. That is where the pain began and then the next thing I knew it has consumed me enough that it’s already irreparable. I was too deep into crushing you it’s love. I guess if you had just paid attention to how I started fixing my hair like hers, or started hovering wherever you where at, you would know earlier. But you didn’t see, you didn’t spot the signs. I understand, I think. You were too busy stuck figuring how to manage your feelings as well. We were like dominoes, I was falling for you and you were falling for her. And so the cruel process continued until came a moment when I couldn’t pretend to listen to your love problems anymore.

I told you. Everything. I guess I expected so much that when your response came I was so crushed I cried in front of you. You said you don’t like me. It was so blatant, so simple and you said it like it meant nothing. You delivered it in such a careless manner I couldn’t stop myself. And when I cried, you stared at me. I knew it was wrong to wait for you to console me but I did wait. Though it never came. You, with your parting words and  cruel apathy, just walked away.

Just like that. One foot after another and you faded out, walking away.

I am writing this for you, because I broke my heart and you were the main reason why I did so. I knew I was getting too attached, too brave. I stopped deeming all reason and leapt so thoughtlessly I landed hard. I saw it coming, but defied all gravity thinking you would help me fly. I did this to myself, I know.

Sp I am also writing this for me, because I broke my own heart and I am trying to fix it. I am grasping for the right hobby, the right distraction to  free you from the shackles my heart has kept you in. I am struggling to unlove you. And it while may look futile, deep down I know that I too, can walk away someday.