La Douleur Exquise

Jesse's Best Friend

Jesse has always been smart. He never did show it, but I knew. Of course I would, I’m his best friend. I knew things about him no one does, and that goes the same to me for him. He was that kind of guy who made everyone laugh. He is after all witty enough to make the coolest comeback. He is quite the athlete too, but he isn’t really better than most. He also loves to draw and I can say that the art loves him too. I shouldn’t drag his descriptions any longer, as that would make me look like a head-over-heel stalker who spends her time observing him. I didn’t say that that is not true because, although I know I’m just his best friend, it is. 

He wore the coolest outfit today. The girls behind me all whisper their compliments, in a meant-to-be-hear-whisper kind of way. And I agree with them, but I didn’t tell him that. Oh no, the best friend is obliged to make fun of him. That’s what a normal best friend would do. And so I did. And the sarcastic bicker lasted for five minutes before she came in. She. Gretchen. The girl of Jesse’s dreams. As she walked, Jesse forgot about what we were talking about, and he tried- but failed to not stare at the beauty walking toward her seat. But I smiled, oh yes I did. I smiled this big bright smile and acted like I’m not jealous at all. Because that’s the right thing, and that’s what a normal best friend would do. 

Their laughs echoed throughout the hallway. As anyone else can see, they’re as happy as anyone can get. And I am happy too. Of course I am, I should be. I am his best friend after all. It should be okay that he doesn’t talk to me anymore. Because Gretchen is this and Gretchen is that. Of course it should be okay for me that he didn’t show up for my mom’s birthday yesterday. He did send a not though. And that should be just fine. But it doesn’t feel right at all. And I’m starting to hate myself for liking him too much.

Jesse was crying last night. He did, and I was there. He told me what his Gretchen did and how it hurt. How it hurt so much he had to cry on my shoulders like a little boy. And I was there, patting his sixteen-year old head and telling him to stop being such a baby. But he just cried some more. And at that moment I really think I felt worse. Then maybe, I really did. Jesse is crying, and I’m hugging him. Hoping it would comfort him as much as it does for me. And I hate myself for feeling like that. I hate myself for making this about what I feel when my best friend is crying. I hate myself for hurting because he is hurt. But mostly I hate myself for thanking Gretchen for giving him back to me.

A month passed by quickly, followed by another, and another; until one year has already gone and Jesse and I are back to that same old porch. Where he cried and is now crying again. Over the year, I’ve lost count on how many times Jesse came here to tell me what his Gretchen did. And over the year, I’ve lost count on how many times I have been here to listen to his same old stories. I’ve lost count, and now is just another time to lose as soon as they get back again. Oh I knew they would, Jesse just couldn’t let her go. He couldn’t. So he talked about how his Gretchen is being too clingy and flirty and everything. And I listened. Just listened, knowing that by tomorrow he would call me again. Then he would tell me that both of them made up and that he’s cancelling our plans. Yes, I know. I’ve lost count on how many times that has happened. But I can’t just let go. I couldn’t. I love him so much and I still hate myself for feeling so.  

So came the final day, the day we are supposed to get to stage and get our diplomas with our printed names and all. It came, and Jesse is sitting way too far from me. But I see him, oh of course I do, I have always seen him. He wore the best suit that day, and his grin practically lit up the gym. He looked so handsome, and I can’t help but feel a little proud. Because I’m his best friend. The ceremony went by fast and the next thing I knew I’m talking to him again. And he’s smiling at me, telling me how wonderful college would be. You see, he’s going to a far place. To be with his Gretchen. And I smiled too, up at him, because he’s too tall so I had to tilt my head up. But still I smiled. A big bright one and hugged him. This time though the hug didn’t comfort me. No, not in the slightest. But I hugged him for so long anyway and when we broke up he saw my tears. And he laughed. Then gave me another smart remark. But I didn’t bother telling him why I’m even crying. He wouldn’t understand. He’d care though, but not enough. And so I smiled instead as I watch him take a phone call from his Gretchen. But no matter how hard I tried fresh tears kept washing my face. And I knew why. Oh of course I do. It’s because I’m his best friend. And that is all I’ll ever be.