: From Thoughts To Tears. :

Why?

There is this magical thing that most of us humans feel called love.

And some of us just can't understand it.

I am one of those people.

It's hard especially, because I just have a hard time translating my colours and sounds and textures and the rest of my synesthesia-related way of thinking into human emotions. My mind cannot think so straightforwardly like most people. Figuring out how I feel is one of the daily hassles I must endure. Now, I love my mind and how I think, but when it comes to expressing these sensory emotions to other people, I can't just say, "Well, I'm feeling burgundy right now." People don't understand that. And so when it comes to intense emotions like love, it's especially hard, because my brain is being overloaded with all these feelings I have, and the colours begin to melt together and the sounds begin to come as one, and the feelings in my heart and the caution of my brain and the longing in my mind all collide, and I am just hit with this intense symphony of want and restraint and tears and laughter and so much more.

My heart has lost so many people to fate, so many have been taken from my life, and it seems that with each passing year it gets worse. First it was my partner in crime, closest best friend from the first days of elementary school, then my imaginative and bubbly dearest friend from the best days of my childhood in that little bubble in time those precious few years were, then my endearing pack of rowdy troublemaking boys that were like family to me in the darkest days of my memory. Then I had to leave the only girl who had ever made me feel like an actual human being at that hellish school, then a best friend who I had sworn I'd protect and be there to always have "epic adventures!" with was gone, and finally, the person I had fallen completely in love with, enchanted by their every move, mesmerized by those beautiful chocolatey-caramel irises, was taken from me, far away to a place I probably will never see. Those last three people hurt the hardest when they were gone. Three holes in my already bruised heart where their happy souls had once resided. With every lost angel, I had become gloomier, my heart becoming harder, and my old love for the world and everyone in it fading more and more.

Now I am the person I am now; darker, sadder, and less willing to love. I don't talk as much. Music and the few people I've allowed myself to love are all I've been living for at this point. I'm afraid. I'm weak. I'm confused and lost. And I don't know where I'm going.

Do you have room for one more troubled soul?