Random poetry

A look in my head when I'm depressed.

I can't do it 

I feel ugly and worthless, unworthy of love, and happiness, deserving of cuts, bruises, and scratching raw, insults being thrown like paper balls across high school classrooms, being ignored like I'm not there, that's how I wish to be, Not There, Not Here, I don't really know where I want to be, I just know I don't want to be near people, I want to be away from judgement and away from any noise and movement, a silent dark place, or a light place maybe, endless white walls, and endless perfectly pointed pencils, so that I could draw all my mistakes and show how id fix them, a never-ending hell of regret and wishing I had another chance, maybe I would've made some changes, being more helpful to my friends, being there for them more, being prettier, skinnier, more intelligent, kinder, the best version of someone whom I want to be, because if I was the best version of myself there would still somehow be flaws.

I feel sometimes as if I am a waste of space like I am the part of someone's memory that they will forget someday, an unimportant aspect of being, in the scheme of life. 

I feel that I should be better, that if someone wants to be my friend I have to change for them, and I don't know why I feel that way, its as if I feel guilty for being the way that I am, for letting myself be this way in front of other people, as if I am an embarrassment to the mere public. I feel as though I want to starve myself until I become skinny and worthy of peoples attention, but then id have to fix my face and personality, but I cant tell people this because then id be burdening them with my emotions, and it would be as if they are carrying all my weight on there back, which is impossible.

But for me I can handle it, I can handle all of the weight of all my friend's worries, and the situations that are horrible and I cannot fix, those are the best to carry. It makes me feel good that I am able to help them by letting them confide in me, instead of holding them in, and obsessing over it, id rather they be carefree and I be the one in pain.

But I can never change myself this drastically, so for now, ill just go through the constant halls filling in my life with a pencil on the walls, facing my mistakes and challenges as they come.