The Sadist and The Masochist - Jihope Romance [Smut and Fluff]

[Extra] - The Ugly Inside

*Trigger Warning - Anxiety/Panic Attacks

[Hoseok's POV]

I slid the metal piece into the lock, closing myself into the apartment.

My mind was blank aside from the images of Jimin flashing through my mind; the boy who opened the door to reveal the light at the end of the tunnel. But, of course, the tunnel stretched for miles. And who knew when I'd reach the end?

I kicked off my shoes and collapsed on the couch, his red sweater held tightly in my palm. It was some of the last remaining essence I still had.

I curled up on my side, holding the soft fabric to my nose and breathing in that musky, lavender scent. It reminded me of Christmas; the spruce pine trees hinting in the undertones. What a comforting feeling it gave me; a sip of water in the desert.

My chest ached - physically ached. After all this time, he shows up like an angel in the sky, pulling me out of this inward misery. He gave me a taste of what it felt like to be truly happy again and set me right back down hell. I wasn't angry. He had his life and I had mine. But, there's nothing that could have adequately replaced the depths of a real connection such as us. And when that addictive joy was ripped away yet again, it felt like... nothing. Endless nothing. There was an emptiness that scorched my spirit more than anything else - Isolation. Those who haven't experienced such extremes of it don't think of it as the monster pulling you back under the surface, just as you take a gasp of the salty air. But when you've come so close giving up, there's no better comparison. It's this tugging in your throat that does nothing but drag you down. It's numb and empty.

My lungs forced out quick, short breaths as my eyes watered.

Why am I crying again?

I held the sweater tighter, desperately trying to imagine myself back with him. Even if it was fake, I just needed something to take me out of my reality.

My abdomen clenched and my airways whistled with every breath, unable to draw in enough oxygen to satisfy my lungs. My whole body shook with each sob rattling through me, and I closed my eyes.

"Hoseok! I told you not to kiss me like that at school! Everyone's just gonna' think of me as 'that gay, Asian kid'!" Jimin laughed, pushing my shoulders back. His face lit up with a smile brighter than the sunlight beaming down on us between the leaves of the oaks, his eyes forming into a single, adorable, little line.

"Who cares what they think? You're mine anyway," I said, wrapping my arms around his slightly smaller figure. "I'm never gonna' let you go."

He pushed against me but wasn't strong enough to escape. "Come on! People are coming out of class!"

I looked to see lines of people walking in all directions around the maze of sidewalks across the campus.

He's just going to hate me after this, then.

I grabbed his wrist and pulled him to a bench near a quickly growing crowd. "Jimin, come here," I demanded, forcing him to follow me up to stand on the seating. "Excuse me, everyone!" I called to the crowd.

"Oh my god, no, please," he begged, tugging gently on the shoulder of my shirt.

Dozens of eyes turned to us standing above the crowd, while dozens more passed by without a second glance.

"I just wanted to make sure everyone here knew," I started.

"Please, Hoseok," he begged again.