... I fell in love.. but the thing is it wasn't love..he treated me like bullshit and I called it love. He was a cheater I was head over hills. No matter how many to.e he hurt me I always went back... No matter how suicidal I was... I always went back. He was my world. But I was just another girl in the world. I cut a lot because of him... multiple suicide attempts. Why wasn't I good enough I didn't understand. Eventually I left him.. and as long as he stayed away I was "okay" I could stay away....and that's when I fell in love with Taylor. My dearest Taylor he loved me I loved him.... everything was perfect...until Brendon started coming around again....I got really high...and ended up breaking Taylor heart and going back to my heart break. You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness. Days later when I came down I realized what I had done and tried to get him back... No he had already found someone new...
I decided to drink bleach.
I wanted to die. I couldn't breath I ended up throwing up in the living room floor and all my step mom had to say was "get outta the floor and get this mess cleaned up" I didn't tell her I had just drank bleach I just kept throwing up. It took me almost a year and a couple of months to get over Taylor but it made me and him so so so much closer. I do not regret my decision because it has led me to great places.. everything happens for a reason. In January 2017 I was admitted to Moutain view psychiatric hospital where I was treated for 9 days. I was treated for depression anxiety and bulimia . We moved a whole lot while in this months. I cut deeper and deeper.. at this point I needed stitches but my dad refused to take me to the hospital until the next day because my aunt threatened to call dhr. The hospital was going to admit me to UAB hospital but my dad talked to sociologist that I was perfectly okay and I didn't need help. So I went home. I had gotten into trouble for bring alcohol to school and I was sent to the alternative school. My parents couldn't take me so they sent me to live with my grandmother who I haven't seen or heard from In 5 years.. So I would stay there on the week days go home on the weekends. I got to the point that I couldn't handle the screaming and yelling and fighting and stress and anxiety... Being judged...I couldn't handle it. When I got home I asked my grandmother please don't make me go back. Then I went in my room and had a panic attack. I tried writing and all that coping skill bull shit nothing worked.. so I texted Taylor and told him goodbye...I promised I would never leave without saying goodbye... And I sliced my arm open to the muscle. I blead ALOT and just let it happen then Taylor said that if I died she would stop breathing so I went to the hospital and got it stitched up. I was admitted back into Moutain view psychiatric hospital. I stayed there for almost 2 months they wanted to keep me in residential and be put in a six month program. They had me on stableization unit because I kept finding little things I could use to cut. Broken glass nails marker lids to make welds on your skin... I needed to feel. I was released in almost july. After that we went to court and my grandmother got me. Then one day I got a message.. from Jonathan Samples..it was a waving bear. I responded with hey. From then we started talking he helped me a lot with boyfriend problems..we stayed up till 4am snapchatting and talking and laughing till i couldn't breath. I found myself falling for him. One day he told me that he loved me and how he wanted to be with me and I want him too ... Ever since then we've been together and he knows my past and all my flaws he has seen my scars... He is inlove with me and I am inlove with him... He is my everything like I wish he could see himself through my eyes...maybe then he could understand how much I love and care about him. He is my literal world I could not live without him. Hes just so funny and so talented and so amazing and perfect to me...I wouldn't want to live without him...I've never loved like this before....not Taylor not Brendon.... Jonathan has got me wrapped around his finger and im not going anywhere. Sparks fly when we kiss and our bodies collide it's like magic the way I feel about him is crazy. It's so much more than just love it's everything.💕
