Suicide Not

My life started slowly way back then. I can still remember how I played and ran and sang and danced during my childhood years. The memories were still fresh as though they've just been brought out from the oven; freshly-baked. It seems like it's just yesterday when I graduated from all of these kiddie things. Oh well, they're gems to be kept anyways.

As the years go by, my mind became broader; broader to every single thing that this world deemed to exist. Broader to every life-changing possibilities and negativities, broader to every path which triggers your chosen route; either to change your course or hold it still, and so on and so forth.

Little did I notice that a decision that I've made everyday contributed to the aftermath of my choices. I can still remember one of my classmates during my first grade. She said that we should try buying during recess time in the nearby convenience store in our school. And I, who is curious at that time because it just opened recently, agreed and went on the store with her. When we arrived, we were both reproached by our adviser. And yes, I still find it funny nowadays everytime I remember. Because of that decision, I received my first sermon as a grade school pupil. But as the saying goes, life goes on. And so does time.

It was not until I stepped onto high school grounds where I found out that I'm an introvert. Yes. I mean, it doesn't seem that I am one during my early years but I found myself curling up to my knees in the corner of the room (not literally though), with little to no one who will speak to or be friend to. I think I acquired the traits of being an asocial person when I am in my ages four to 12. And yes, I can still recall all of the unpleasant memoirs which made me to be who I am today - a person who is very passive about social interactions.

It made me think that life is actually a huge Erlenmeyer flask. Ironically though that I really hate Chemistry and I am setting a laboratory equipment as an example. Well, I guess that's how life really works. In our early days, time moves slowly. The wide base of the flask was reserved for this phase – to enjoy instances, to breathe slowly, to take steps one at a time and to have a strong foundation.

As we go on in our life, the flask is slowly filled – be it good things or bad. And as it is slowly filled, the time does not. Time moves really quick together with our intellect. And that's where the problem starts.

Frustrations, bad decisions, and mistakes also pile up along with the good times. Sadly, the former three things that I mentioned are really significant in our teenage years compared to the latter one. I cannot really say that everybody else will agree with me but this is how I felt. And yes, they make the flask to be filled quicker than I thought.

Last two years ago, I came up with the biggest frustration I had in my life. I am talking about my future. Yes. My FUTURE which will determine who I am someday. Until now, I am constantly blaming myself in silence.

Why do I have to be a paper boat after all these years?

This is the thought which I have in my mind until now. And I'm really sad to say that it will never be forgotten in my entire life. I am very meek to the point that I always obey what elders told me, without minding my own judgement.

Because of this, my Erlenmeyer flask was near to be filled. And that's where I am at this point of time – almost giving up.

For the past two years, I've been combating all forms of war. Physically, verbally, mentally and emotionally. Everytime a bad thing happens, I always say to myself that "It's just another day. Get over it." I have mastered the art of deceiving people in front of me by wearing a mask – whether a smile, a laugh or a poker face. And yes, I've also become almost numb to any kinds of emotional pain.

Well, I've thought about ending it a lot of times already. I mean, it's all in my mind but I don't think I can do it in reality. It's just that it really sucks, knowing that you've had enough but it still piles up. I am tired mentally and sometimes emotionally. I've had a lot of late night thoughts and it keeps me up 'til early morning. For some nights, I am alone in my bunk – wondering, thinking, imagining of what the future looks like, mostly a mere black in my vision.

I silently cried a lot. I also cried in my mind countless times since tears won't fall from my eyes anymore. And I pretty think that it's fine. Tears are the body's natural reaction when words cannot speak the pain anymore. We're humans after all.

Despite of all the dark and heavy clouds, I'm still clinging to a tiny bead of hope that the sun is just up there – shining; that this long, dark tunnel I've been traveling for more than two years will soon come to an end with a light waiting for me there.

To you who is reading this, suicide won't stop your pain. You're just passing them to your family and loved ones. And I'm pretty sure that you don't want to see them crying because of you, right?

I just gave you a glimpse of my life. It's a delight for me to know yours too but I'm afraid that it's not possible. Or if we can make it possible, then much better. I hope we can talk to each other in the near future. I'm looking forward to that.

Purposely, I wrote this one for you – you who are struggling with those monsters inside your head, just like me. I know that it's hard but please, don't you ever stop or think about ending it all. Whenever you get tired, please take a rest and go on. Remember that you are worth it. That you are loved. That you are the only person in this world and no one is comparable to you. Or simply, you are here with PURPOSE.

You might think that quitting is the best option but think about the future. Yes. The FUTURE. Just consider that one little word. Think about the places that you'll go, the roads that you'll travel, the hands that you'll hold, and the lives that you'll touch. Think about your soon-to-be husband, or your wife, and your children, and your children's children. I know that it's kind of hazy right now but trust me, when the dust settles, it's really worth to experience.

Just keep on going. Keep on fighting. Keep on proving the impossibles wrong.

Stick around with me 'cause life is a good place to stay.

#KeepGoing ;

Love,

ApolloPrince